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michaella
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Joined: 05/24/2010

Comments are welcome
It is human nature to always want to fix things and its so stressful when we "fail" to find a solution to a certain problem. I say "fail" because we havent exactly failed because I havent reached menoause but it has taken longer than expected six years to be precise.
This ttc journey has never been easy for us. We wanted to start a family soon after our wedding and we thought it would be very easy because we were both very young, very healthy and very sexually active, what more could one ask for? We were full of hope and dreams and we had planned to 3 kids all in a space of 4-5 years, but here we are today 6years dow the road we dont have even one child not even a m/c. It really hurts!
Sometimes I ask myself when if ever, it is going to happen. Now I find it so difficult to attend family functions or any function because  pple give you that "so-when-are-you-planning-tohave-a-baby" look and it literally breaks my heart. It is not to explain your situation to everyone so I havent told anyone about  our ttc problems except for my mummy who is so supportive.
There are time when I wish we had a problem so that the Doctors would help us fix it and not just tell us that everything is fine and that we will have a baby one day. When, is the billion dollar question that noone is willing to answer. I cant even think of IVF because right now I cant afford it and my health insurance does not cover that. I came acros fertilaid on the internet and pple were writing very good reviews about so I bought it hoping that I will be a statistic but ooops nothing came out of it.
I am exhausted, disappointed, depressed, bitter, angry and I am lost, so lost that I dont even know what my next step is going to be. Sometimes I think of throwing in the towel but DH is optimistic he sees a way where there is none. Just last night I was telling him that we should call it quits and accept that it was never meant to be and throw away all the fertiliaid bucause it has failed us and he just said to me " you know what hunny, the darkest hour is before dawn and when you are climbing a mountain the steepest point is just before the top and if you endure and you reach the top, you will enjoy the view from the top". What the heck is that?.I have endured enough and i dont think that I can take it anymore.
Please God I need your guidance, I dint think I can do it on my own

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michaella
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Joined: 05/24/2010

Today is another bad day for me. AF is here in full force. Yesterday when I went to buy tampoons every other lady I saw was pg. I so much want a baby that I beginnng to lose my mind. I think I consider retail therapy, sometimes it works.

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michaella
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I guess I have to move on despite the fact that I am still not pg. My SIL had a baby yesterday and it wasnt planned so she says. We are visiting them next weekend so I have the whole week to calm myself down and accept that my turn will come one day. She has been married for less than a year and she already has a baby, how unfair is that.
Last night I was going through our wedding album and I just started crying, getting a BFP will be the best anniversary present for me. Lord I want a baby so much please just give me a BFP this month!

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michaella
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Wow I finally said goodbye to AF yesterday and I am so relieved. AF sucks. She comes every month without fail. When AF is around there is no love making because it is so messy, so since I said goodbye to AF yesterday last night we made love and I enjoyed every moment of it. Making love is very different to BD, there are no do's and donts wow, seventh heaven..........
My BMI indicates that I am overweight by a few kilos so I have to lose weight. I stared going to the gym yesterday. I will be going every mon, wed and fri. I met some nice ladies at the gym and I hope I will be able to make friends.
Back to the ttc issue, DH thinks that I am now obsessed about ttc. I told him about this site and he was shocked that "women can do that" and I explained to him that we need to vent and that women are more affected by ttc issues than men hence the need to form a community where we can share ideas. So he said that he hopes that we will not be talking about ttc a lot since I now have "other pple" to talk to. I guess he is right, joining this forum has made it a little bit easy for me to cope with tcc. I told him that I am planning to make an appointment with an accupuncturist and he said that it is fine so today I will make the call.
With AF gone, I am in such a good mood and I hope this month is our month. I love you Kenny, Thanks for last night and thanks for being there for me when I need you most.

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michaella
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It is very difficult to stay positive after 6years of ttc. I really dont want ttc to define who I am but sometimes I can't help it. I am turning into this bitter, self-centred, anti-social, inconsiderate, very sentitive person with each passing day. 6 years ago I wasn't like that believe you me I was the most considerate and sociable person, I could jump at any oppoturnity to go for a party or a wedding or just any gathering, but now I resent it with all the 4 chambers of my heart lol.
What will make this month different from the past 76months I have been ttcing. Let's be honest guys there is no hope for me anymore. Maybe I wasn't meant to be a mother who knows, maybe God has other plans for me. Please God make your plans known to me so that I don't waste my time on something that was never meant to be. I know that you have plans for me and maybe being a mother is not one of them, difficult and painful as it might be I will accept it. Who I am I to say NO to you. Lord I know that all things are possible unto you, I want a child, nevertheless not my will, but thine be done. Everyday I pray the prayer of serenity, I pray for the serenity to accept things that I cannot change, the courage to change those that I can and the wisdom to know the difference. I have been a christian for all my life and what has kept me going for all these years is FAITH, but to be honest I am not sure if I still have it and it breaks my heart to see that I am letting something like ttc define me. Romans 8 vs 35-39 says," Who shall seperate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine,or nakednessor peril or sword.......Nay, in all these things we shall be more than conquerors through him that loved us.. for I am persuaded that neither death, nor life. nor angels, nor THINGS PRESENT( falling to have a child) nor thins to come. Nor height nor depth, nor any creature, shall be able to seperate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Luke 11 vs 9 says, '" ask and it shal be givento you....." Lord I am asking for a child.

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michaella
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I need Thee every hour,
Most Gracious Lord;
No tender voice like thine
Can peace afford

I need Thee, O I need Thee
Every hour I need Thee
O bless me now my saviour
I come to thee

I need thee every hour
Stay Thou nearby
Temptations lose their power
When Thou art nigh

I need Thee every hour
In joy or pain
Come quickly and abide
Or life is vain

I need Thee every hour
Teach me Thy will
And Thy rich promises
In me fulfil

I need thee every hour
Most Holy One
O make me thine indeed
Thou blessed son.

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Buckeyes123
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Joined: 04/19/2010

Oh Chaella Sad . I don't remember the exact title but when I go thru something particularly trying I used to sing "Riding thru the storm."

"While riding thru the storm he holds me in his arms I'm not afraid of the storms, the wind and the rain. Though the tides become high he rocks me while I ride. I've found safety in the master's arms while riding thru the storm."

Skipping a few verses I don't remember....

"sometimes I just want to die Lord then I fall right back in your loving arms."

"Looking back every time-see these mountains I have climbed. Knowing it was really you, who carried me right on thru. Some tears and some pain, BUT I'm going on JUST the same. God you promised you'd be with me thru the storms AND thru the pain.Lord you are my everything."

I hate to see my TTC buddy going thru so much but we're here for you.

Hugs&babydust.

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michaella
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Thanks Buckeyes, this is not getting any easy for me I feel like I am drowning. I just hope that I will survive this wave. Everyone I know is pregnant or recently had a child and it is affecting me big time. It is not like I don't want to be happy for them but it is too much for me. Sometimes I wish I could just vanish into thin pair and noone will see again. I never thought that it would come to this .............................

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michaella
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CD15 today but still I havent O Crazy . Hope I will get a positive OPK because I am starting to get stressed.
Chaella

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michaella
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CD18 still waiting for a positive OPK. maybe this month I am not ovulating.

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butterfly99
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Chaella, I feel like I could have written your 6/28 post! I have often felt that exact way. I'm so sorry you're struggling so much. I never thought it would come to this either...I think so many of us don't. I can honestly say that taking this vacation was good for me, for perspective and some peace, and I hope you can find something that will uplift you similarly. I will pray for you.