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butterfly99
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I am continually humbled by God's grace and workings in my life. Today I was supposed to go to a baby shower for a friend. On one hand, I was completely fine with it, because I'm in the middle of my 2ww and not as emotional as I would be at the end of it or during AF (and I am truly happy for her) so I can keep myself in check. But on the other hand, I am finding it increasingly difficult to put on this front and ooooh and ahhhhh over pregnant women who have no idea what it's like to struggle TTC. I know it's not all about me, and I don't want people to pity me, so I'm trying to be OK with these situations, because life truly just has to go on.
So I received a voice mail this morning that the shower has been canceled because the mom to be went into labor last night and delivered this morning. Water broke at 1, she got to the hospital at 2, pushed on her 5th contraction and baby was born at 4am...I can't discount the fact that she was scared and overwhelmed because baby was only 35 weeks along, but what an easy labor! lucky girl. So, no shower today...instead we celebrate the baby's birth, but from a distance which I can do through email and facebook posts...for now. Thanks, God, your gentleness with my heart is sometimes overlooked but I am taking a moment now to appreciate You. Thank you.

Last night I went to a friend's house to share a glass of wine and just have some girl time. She asked me how we were coming along with our TTC efforts. I told her we obviously aren't pregnant, but things are OK (what else do you say?). DH and I are in a good place with it for the moment and I feel alright (again, come 8/24 when I get AF, we'll see...I reserve the right to scratch that comment). But I told her that come next June, if we're not PG then we are going to get back on BC and call it quits (or re-evaluate at that time, but at least we have a goal in mind). She told me that she didn't really understand why we would do such a thing, and why we wouldn't just "not try but try" ...I told her that I know way too much about my cycles and how it all works, and am too in tune to my body to do that. She told me I just needed to relax and not stress...this conversation is going nowhere. I understand she and her husband tried for 6 years to get pg, but she never OPKd, never did any testing, never went down my road. Some people are just more able to do that than others, and I am not one of them. I told her that and she said "that's weird"...no, it's not weird, it's just me. I know she didn't mean anything by it, but I couldn't help but be slightly offended. Ok, maybe I do need to change my mentality a little, which I am trying to do, thanks for the reminder. not.

I was telling my husband yesterday that I would really like to be pregnant this month (LOL)... because we are hosting some of our closest friends at our house over Labor Day weekend (2 of whom we haven't seen in 3 years), and how perfect it would be for us to be able to tell them all in person. Never mind that I would only be about 5 weeks along at that point, I would want to tell them in person, it would be SO awesome. Then I realized that going down that road of thought is dangerous... because it sets us up for further disappointment. But still, my thoughts drift... I already know my EDD would be May 2 this month...I like May babies...I like May as a whole. Damnit stop that. Really...you'd think after this many months I'd quit doing this to myself...

Ok, ok, enough about this. Babies babies babies. Is that all we ever think about? Surely we need to remember the other wonderful blessings we have and be thankful for our lives. I do think I'm working towards this, and right now at this moment, I'm OK. So today I'm going to clean, catch up on some stuff, and just let the baby shower gift sit here, wrapped and ready to go, but not agonize over the fact that it's not mine. It's OK...it really is. All a part of God's plan...welcome to the world little one...you have a wonderful set of parents. And thanks for coming a little early.

rabidpecan
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You know what I love about this forum? The fact that we can finally make friends with some people we can identify with. I know exactly what you're saying with giving up on TTC and going back on BC. I don't know if I could do it myself, but I get where you're coming from. What I DON'T get is someone who never got tested after six years of TTC calling YOU weird!! lol It doesn't make sense to me how people can be so "blah" about TTC, but then I guess that's what makes us all different.

I'm so glad you didn't have to go to that shower today and put on your happy face. I identify with you there, too. One of my pregnant friends was saying at church today that she lost her mucus plus on Friday, so she should go anytime now. I'm really excited for her, but sometimes it's hard standing next to my two big-bellied friends with everyone coming over and commenting on how cute they look and rubbing their bellies and everything. I always feel left out. Oh well.
Anyway, here's to hoping your BFP comes soon!

__________________

*Katie*
TTC #1 for 29 months
BFP- August 2009
M/C September 2009
Diagnosed with PCOS December 2009
Started Clomid January 2010
BFP May 2010 -  M/C same month
BFP Christmas Day, 2010- Ephraim James born Sept. 2011
Now TTC #2
M/C in June 2012
Lilypie Second Birthday tickers

butterfly99
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So here it is...my ah-ha moment. I was getting a facial today (amazing by the way!) and was talking to her about being "stuck" in life and wanting something else. We talked about my interest in nutrition (I really love helping figure out what's wrong with them or educating people about what to eat)... and then the subject shifted to my cleanse, and then infertility... So it dawned on me somewhere in that conversation... maybe I should become an infertility coach/counselor. And it was like this amazing AH HA moment. I know that I want to pursue a career helping others... and this journey for me has been so very real and painful, that maybe I could put that out there to the universe and see what happens. I have absolutely NO clue how to get started, what type of certification I would need, etc, and if I could actually make a living out of it...but perhaps my "answer" has been HERE all along. Perhaps what I'm supposed to do is THIS.... I've always believed that things in life have happened to me so I could help others through similar situations. So why shouldn't this be a part of that? So many women don't even know where to start... and I realize I don't know even a drop in the bucket, but I have the compassion and empathy...and some ideas! hm...tis an interesting thought that's for sure. But let's not get carried away, must research further.

butterfly99
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milestones...
Yesterday I found out that my very best friend in the whole wide world (besides my sister of course) is pregnant...again. She has 3 beautiful boys with whom she is content, they weren't trying, and actually her husband was going to get snipped soon...so this is an OOPS. And she's going through a wealth of emotions right now from feeling guilty for feeling bad, to questioning God and wondering why her, when she knows several others (like me) who can't conceive... she's a bit overwhelmed (4 children, yikes!) and I feel for her.

So here's my milestone...I feel not ONE ounce of "why her not me?" mentality...not one. She is an amazing woman and mother, and I do believe that God is simply saying "I'm not done with you yet"... He knew her husband was going to get snipped soon, so voila! We chatted a bit and I tried to tell her to please don't think about "why couldn't it have been Lori"...because that really won't do her any good. She just really has to move forward...and think of all the positives- maybe this time she'll get the girl she wants, maybe I'll actually GET pg soon and we can share the journey together...but in trying to approach life with unconditional Faith...Faith like a child, we have to just Trust that there is a purpose for everything. She WILL be ok.

And I will too.

butterfly99
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13DPO...testing day. The day that puts me out of my "waiting" misery, by creating more misery. Ah, gotta love it. Waiting for DH to come home so I can get this over with... typically I would be excited just to know, and I am. But I'm also kind of like "whatever"...

The only thing that leads me to believe this could actually be our month is that I'm not experiencing any signs of AF yet...I should start tomorrow, yet no sore boobs, I'm not into full-fledged PMS mode like I would typically be, and I just don't "feel" AF yet. But this too shall probably pass, and my body is probably just giving me one more example of what a negative feels like. awesome. haha..

In my new-found Trust and peace with the way things are, I know that I will still struggle, still get emotional and still question. And I'm still not sure at what point we give up. But at least I feel like I'm on solid ground, feet firmly planted and rooted in Faith. So, ready to face this head on today... but first, bike ride, study time, maybe a little weeding out front, and I'm going to make peach cobbler.

butterfly99
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another month bites the dust…and another month gone another month gone, another month bites the dust!
Well, negative again. I must say, this time I am more angry with myself than anything. Angry at myself for letting myself get carried away- thinking about my EDD, how we would tell people, it would have been perfect. But alas, what’s perfect in our minds isn’t always what’s meant to be. I got ahead of myself and God brought me back to reality.

hollyhopeful
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Please don't beat yourself up for having hope Butterfly! I do exactly what you do every month; think about how I would tell dh, what our families would say, how dh would be when I got bigger and bigger every month, how we would feel the day our baby was born, the torture is endless!! And yet you'd think we'd be more cautious next month regarding getting our hopes up, but 8 dpo rolls around and you start to wonder, "Maybe THIS is the month"....

You are in my prayers.....

butterfly99
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Thanks Holly...

Well from anger to annoyance... here I am.
Today is 16DPO and still no arrival of lovely AF. I don't understand this. My LP is ALWAYS 13-14 days. If my cycle is off it's because ovulation was off, but the LP is always my constant. My OPK turned positive on 8/8 (which seemed right that would put me ovulating at CD 17 totally normal) so I should have ovulated on 8/9. But now where the hell is AF? 4 negative HPTs tell me I'm not even remotely pregnant, so I don't know what to think? Do I have a luteal cyst or were the OPKs wrong and I really ovulated on 8/11 or something? ARGH! ANNOYED!!!!! This has never happened to me. And just when I think I've pretty much got my body figured out it throws me for yet another loop. awesome.

Nevertheless I keep taking the darn pregnancy tests. Today I stared at the one this morning just waiting for it to turn positive...DH, again the rational one, says, stop doing this to yourself, put the test in the trash, it's not going to just magically turn positive. Yeah yeah yeah... (so is it bad that I went to Walmart over my lunch hour and got another one? Just in case!? still BFN...DOH!).

Maybe it's because I've been exercising like a fiend... whatever the case, I wish it would stop F#@King with me. sigh.

loofish
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Lori- I had the very same thing happen to me about 3 months ago. I was so excited but the damn tests kept giving me a BFN! I had an unusually stressful week the week I O'ed, I had gotten a +opk then had a lot of stress so I think my O was delayed. It really sucks though. TCC is hard enough without this kind of crap happening. Sorry sweetheart!

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Angela

butterfly99
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Thanks Angela... I called the doctor today and am waiting for a call back. I'm now 17DPO, so something just doesn't add up... I haven't been under a lot of stress or anything- the only thing I can figure is that maybe my cleanse messed things up or maybe because I've lost some weight (not a ton). I don't have many hopes up though, I just wish I knew what was going on.