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rabidpecan
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Just had to say I know EXACTLY what you mean! You're not alone!

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*Katie*
TTC #1 for 29 months
BFP- August 2009
M/C September 2009
Diagnosed with PCOS December 2009
Started Clomid January 2010
BFP May 2010 -  M/C same month
BFP Christmas Day, 2010- Ephraim James born Sept. 2011
Now TTC #2
M/C in June 2012
Lilypie Second Birthday tickers

butterfly99
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Joined: 02/24/2010

Thanks Katie....

Why do I let irrationality take over? Seriously, almost EVERY time I test now and get a negative I hear a voice inside my head saying "test again"... or "wait until tomorrow morning and test again"... So Saturday DH was on a bike ride with a friend and I was alone in my house. So I let myself have my breakdown..and in the midst of my breakdown I heard that damn voice taunting me again. So what did I do? Of course I tested again, thinking "maybe it's God trying to tell me that the test was wrong"...I need to stop listening to the voices in my head. So of course after I got the second negative, I started yelling at the voices in my head.
I said to DH later that maybe the tests were wrong and he told me, no, they're right...don't do that to yourself.

The tests were right, AF showed up Saturday night. Which actually makes complete sense to me... I had O pains on the 10th but thought it was too early...but with a 14 day LP that puts that just about right. It makes my cycle 28 days instead of 30 days (for the 2nd month in a row), so now I don't know what to do with myself. My like clockwork body isn't like clockwork anymore...great, one more thing I now have to worry about and factor into this. I'm so tired of it. It's so annoying.

And while I'm on the subject of things that annoy me... it really annoys me when I tell people we've been trying for almost 2 years and they brush it off or make light of it...like "oh it takes lots of people time"... no shit, but telling me that doesn't make it any easier! Yeah, I know it, but unless you have been there yourself don't try to tell me like you KNOW how it is.

Ok, ok, ok, done venting...for now.

butterfly99
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I sometimes wish I just had a darn crystal ball or a manual for life. Wouldn't that be a lot easier? Chapter 35: Making decisions...Right now the company I work for is kind of on shaky ground due to the economy. I saw an ad in the paper for another job that is for a great company in town and I could see myself fitting in very much there...however it would be less pay and less flexibility than I have now. I would probably be happier going someplace else, because my heart just isn't here anymore, but I do feel some level of commitment to this job and my bosses. If we do get pg soon, then the "career" takes a backseat, and this job is perfect because I can work from home, etc. But I can NOT continue to go down this path I've been on for the last year of feeling unfulfilled and stuck. And who knows, if I pass up this opportunity, another might come along, but what if the company folds in the meantime? Then what!?!... I'm so indecisive though and passive about life. I never want to take the reins in fear that I'll be doing something wrong. So how to make this decision when everything is speculative? The future is unknown. I just got done telling myself that I was going to quit making my decisions for the What If of the future, and start living in the now...but it doesn't seem sensible to me to take a pay cut when we're trying to save for a family. Back and forth I go, like a ping pong ball.... I must have misplaced my manual.

butterfly99
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It's like that line from When Harry Met Sally...when Harry figures out that he is in love with Sally he says to her (paraphrasing) "when you figure out what you want for the rest of your life, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible"...It's like that with TTC.

Mrs.Aug06
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I wonder if God is trying to say that about your job? Especially if you need to work even after baby? I wonder if He wants you to be somewhere happy and fulfilled, so that you have your best self to give to your child?

I believe in signs, and I believe in your carving (you passed up the first one and learned from that mistake, what else are you learning?) and I believe that you will be an amazing Mom. Maybe God just wants to let you grow to a new place as a person before you grow as a Mother because He knows you have so much potential?

It WILL happen. And if you can't find it in yourself to believe that right now, that's ok. Let the ones around you who love you carry that belief in trust for you for a while.

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butterfly99
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Joined: 02/24/2010

Thanks, Tia. Smile

butterfly99
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Joined: 02/24/2010

Lately I've been having these weird feelings that because I can't get pg it makes me less of a woman. Like I somehow don't measure up to the female template. It's weird. Now, if it were my choice to not have kids, then I don't think I'd feel this way, so I don't know why I'm having these thoughts...I don't necessarily believe a woman's purpose in life is to bear children (on the contrary I believe our purpose in life is life and if you want to incorporate children into that then great), but this is starting to do a number on my already fragile self-esteem.

Ok, split personality, out you go. Enter new-and-improved-just-returned-from-vacation-and have-new-perspective self. This weekend is our wine festival in town, and also will probably be ovulation weekend... so I will drink what I want when I want and BD whenever we can and not worry about it.. (buwhahahaha I almost kept a straight face, the not worry about it part, that was a little overboard)...

butterfly99
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I feel like I'm trapped in the movie Groundhog Day. And now I have the song "here I go again on my own....going down the only road I've ever known"... well, not that I'm on this journey by myself thanks to all the wonderful women on this site, but as I face yet another 2ww, the waiting game begins, AGAIN, and... sigh... here I go again.

There's that moment, just a split moment, when we're done BDing during fertile time, where I surrender and say "ok God, it's up to you now" but then in the next breath I wonder if we did enough, I hate the loss of control, and I have no choice but to wait. Phooey. Well, can't do anything about it now. Another month. Another 2ww...trapped in the movie Groundhog Day...is this ever going to change?

I just find it crazy that we BD 4 days in a row and not ONE little sperm can make it to my egg?! For real? I mean out of MILLIONS- NOT ONE??? nope, not one...yet. I sure hope that God is just biding his time.

butterfly99
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I think it is amazing that one minute I can feel on top of the world: lovey, sexy, hopeful, glowing, happy and filled with perspective, and the very next minute I am slammed back down to the earth. DH and I had a bit of an argument last night (ok blah blah blah, who doesn't argue with her DH from time to time, it's normal, I still love him more than anything), but then my "snowball" mentality takes over and suddenly EVERYTHING is horrible! I really need to work on this. And letting go. I think I need to try some different approaches.

I just finished this body cleanse last week and felt GREAT. Notice I said FELT not FEEL... that word changed yesterday when I stepped on the scale and had gained back 1.5 pounds of the weight I'd lost. I know some of it is going to come back, and I'm ok with that...but this quickly? Come on, can't I just feel good about myself for a month? Ok, a week? Oh what we women experience in life. We're told we're never skinny enough... all the media, and social this and that, telling us how we should look. Why can't we just be happy with the way we are made by God? I'm not overweight, I'm healthy yes, but my self-esteem is tied directly to that damn scale! So, see ya later feelings of being sexy... gosh I sound superficial.

DH just likes to spend money, that's all. And I realized today that because I see him wanting to spend spend spend, I think maybe it's because he doesn't WANT a family (in which case, in my opinion we'd be SAVING). No, no, this is silly... of course he wants a family, he just doesn't think about the future like I do. And certainly not with snowball mentality.

butterfly99
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Friday the 13th...I'm bored. Sitting at my desk with the to-do list pushed gently to the side. It's Friday, no one should have to be working right now, it's just plain wrong. I don't mind Friday the 13th, after all I was born on a Friday the 13th- 6 weeks early mind you. Of course I have had a plethora of "accidents"- 2 broken legs, broken arm, concussion, massively sprained ankle, over my life time... ahem...no, no, this day is not unlucky, it's a myth.

We have an incredibly full calendar, beginning this weekend I cannot find a free weekend until October 16th. This happens every summer, and summer is over in the blink of an eye. I guess I just have to embrace the chaos. Happily, because it's my choice to see this and do that...my choice. We are blessed in this life with free will and choice, so I guess it's no wonder it's so foreign to any of us that we can't just choose to get pregnant! Not our choice. Not our choice.

Why do we always want the things we can't have?

Too bad we can't play reverse psychology with God...