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butterfly99
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wow...what a weekend. Spent the weekend with my 9 month old nephew who I haven't seen since he was born. Was a great weekend, and at times I caught myself saying "I could do this" but then those thoughts quickly fade into pessimism and feeling like it's never going to happen for us, and it's not meant to be. I nearly opened up to my brother and his wife about our TTC difficulties, but then didn't for whatever reason- not wanting to make the weekend about me, or the opportunity just wasn't there to have that conversation, I don't know.

I know they say that God never gives you anything He knows you can't handle. Knowing this truth has helped me get through some really tough spots, and is encouraging when I think of our TTC struggles. But then I think to myself what if He knows I can't handle a kid? Maybe actually having a child would NOT be a good thing for me? And maybe God is trying to tell me that by not giving us a child. Hm.

On the flip side, I also realized on Friday that just because I have a hard time with life doesn't necessarily mean my child will have a hard time with life. So who am I to deprive a potential child/spirit from entering this world simply because of my own fears and pessimism? I mean, no one is perfect, no parent is perfect, so why let that stop me? My child could very well do some great things for this world, who knows!

I suppose I won't know anything until I can look back on it.

butterfly99
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This post has absolutely nothing to do with TTC directly, but it is indirectly related because we all want to be moms who are, by nature, teachers. I wrote this note on my facebook page so I thought I would share it because I'm a grammar freak.

If you're reading this (and you should be) then kudos to you! Sadly, our language has taken a turn that is much in line with our lazy (or ignorant) society. The written word (even in print...a lot of print) is suffering. Therefore, by spreading a few simple rules, I hope to keep the English language alive!

1. You're versus Your... "You're" is a contraction that stands for YOU ARE. "Your" is possessive (owned by you)... seriously people, this one isn't that hard, but wow, it makes you look dumb when used incorrectly. Sorry, no offense. "You're looking like a fool with your pants on the ground"...most of the time people use "your" instead of "you're"....if I had a penny every time I see this I would be rich! Sigh. Just ask yourself - do I mean "you are?" if the answer is yes then use you're!

2. the difference between "good" and "well"... "good" is an adjective. An adjective describes a noun. "Well" is an adverb. An adverb describes a verb or an action. Therefore, "she is a good dancer...she dances well." NOT she dances good. "I'm doing well" NOT "I'm doing good"... unless of course you're talking about a good act (then good would be a noun)...
On that same note, adverbs describe verbs. Thus, he ran quick, is not correct..."he ran quickly" is more like it! Lots of adverbs end in -ly so keep that in mind when you're describing an action... another example:
"drive safely"... here "drive" is a verb" and "safely" describes that verb (adverb)...NOT NOT NOT "drive safe"....."have a safe drive" would also be acceptable... here "drive" is a noun, and "safe" describes that noun... you can't walk slow, you can only walk slowly...

3. Ending a sentence in a preposition... oh boy, this one is probably one of the most widely accepted grammar misuses out there. It is not correct to end a sentence in a preposition. This leaves the reader hanging and is simply just wrong. Prepositions are words which INTRODUCE a prepositional phrase or bring relation into a sentence, so if you're ending a sentence with a preposition, it's like ending with a beginning... "in, for, at, of, to, on" are common prepositions. In the sentence "the dog went for a walk", for a walk is the prepositional phrase. Ok, so, with that in mind, let's correct the following sentences:
These are words to live by.... These are words by which to live
Where is your house at? .... At where is your house?
Who are you living with? ...With whom are you living?
This is the office I work in... this is the office in which I work.
I do recognize that this is sometimes hard or impractical in the spoken word...but at least we could strive to keep our written word accurate (yes, even I am guilty of this now and again, because we need some element of practicality...however, formal writing should really still be accurate!).
Ending sentences with a preposition is something up with which I will not put!

4....double subjects...PAY ATTENTION! a good rule of thumb is when you are using 2 subjects if you remove one, the sentence should still make sense. Thus, "you and me went to the zoo" is not correct... "you went to the zoo" yes that makes sense, but "me went to the zoo"...nope! So that sentence corrected should be "you and I went to the zoo."
How about "this is a picture of Julie and I"... "this is a picture of Julie" OK that works, but "this is a picture of I"... doesn't make sense..."this is a picture of Julie and me" would be correct. Get the picture? People misuse this one all the time, you may think you're using "I" correctly, but you're not! Figure it out...just remove one subject.
Again, just to drive this point home... "call Sue or I" ....NO NO! would you really say "Call I?" "Call sue or me." Call me, (yep) call sue (yep!) so this works together. If you have any questions about this one please feel free to ask ME about it.

5. Their There and They're:
Their = possession... Their house, their cats, their incorrect usage of this word
There = a place... I'm going there for dinner, are you over there?
They're= a contraction for they are... they're going insane over the misuse of this word!
please please please think about this one.

6. Too and To:
TOO= an amount or in addition to something else. Too much wine will give a person a headache. Are you going to that party too? We've been trying to have a baby for way too long. I have too much anxiety over this whole experience. Are you feeling anxious too?
TO is a preposition... for the most part, people just use "to" when they should be using "too"... people generally use "to" correctly. I am going to the store. I have to take a test today.
another one that fits into this category is TWO, as in the number 2... I have two very fat cats...are your cats fat too? But I don't want to spend too much time here because most people hopefully know how to use two.

7. There are all kinds of same words different spellings... for example: hear/here... hear is something you do with your ears, here is a location/place. These words won't be caught with spell check, so make sure you're using the correct one.
In a similar subject, simply adding an "s" to the end of a word doesn't make it plural (babies not babys)...spellings, plurals, and different words: it's never too late to learn!

8. ahhhh, my favorite.... this one is a bit tricky to explain so just bear with me (not bare with me!). The rule is this... finish the sentence!
"She did better than me"... than me what? She did better than ME DID? you wouldn't say that would you? NO you would say "she did better than I did." .... THUS, "She did better than I" would be correct.
"We ate more sushi than them" Than them WHAT? Than THEM DID? BUUUZZZZZ...nope... "we ate more sushi than THEY DID"... or "we ate more sushi than they"...

9. It's versus Its. It's this simple: only use the apostrophe when the word is a contraction! It's = IT IS. The word "its" is already a possessive word (belonging to it), so you wouldn't write "it's color is purple" because "it is color purple" makes no sense (it in this sentence is an object, a shirt or something for example). However "it's the color purple" does make sense (it is the color purple...in this case it's stands for it is). Furthermore, apostrophes in general are SO misused!

10. "a lot" is two words, not one. two words... a lot not alot.

Thanks for taking time to read this. I know I can't save the world, but I just want our next generation to be articulate and well-spoken. If I can teach just one person then maybe I won't go as insane. Doubtful, but maybe.

butterfly99
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Well, we are coming upon the time of the month when I would typically be starting to obsess about OPKs and BDing on the right days. But we've decided to take a break this month. Really do it (not like last month when we were going to take a break and then caved). I started antidepressants, am thinking that a good cleanse is in order, and am trying to not have my life ruled by my cycle, for just one month. Yet I find that now instead of obsessing about when TO bd, I'm obsessing about when NOT to bd. Why can't I just go with the flow and enjoy life?! And in the very back of my mind, I know 2 truths: 1) even if we didn't have sex at all over the next week, I would STILL obsess in the 2ww (am hoping I prove myself wrong) and 2) 19 months have proven unsuccessful, so part of me feels like why bother taking a break? Ok, yes for mental sanity. If that is even achievable anymore. So here we go... time to take a break. Time to remember what life was like before TTC. No OPKs this month (gulp I feel like an addict not getting her fix!), no Bding over O...I swear if I get pregnant this month I'm going to laugh laugh laugh. Stay tuned.

I realized the other day that I'm constantly living my life feeling overwhelmed. I don't have an extremely complex life, but I constantly feel like I can never keep up with it. And then last night DH and I were lying in bed, and I came to this realization: I'm never going to be able to keep up with life, because it's always changing, things always need to be done, and when you're done with something there's always something else. Balance is a moving target. So maybe I need to stop trying to "catch up" and just start being thankful that I can do what I can do on a daily basis. I'm not superwoman. We have to have some enjoyment out of life, so what gets done will get done and what doesn't won't! So maybe I need to stop stressing about everything all the time. Sounds like a good theory right. I guess I'd rather have dust in my house and a mess of laundry and go camping or enjoy the weekend, than have a perfectly organized home and not be able to DO anything. Or maybe I just need to embrace the chaos.

butterfly99
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Apparently we always want what we can't (shouldn't) have. DH and I drank a little too much last night and had awesome sex...oops (I think it's funny that I'm saying oops to having sex with my husband, but oops)! I woke up in the middle of the night and just couldn't get back to sleep thinking about the fact that I should O either today or tomorrow...I worked through scenarios and thoughts in my mind about being pg on vacation, and how worried I would be about m/c out of country, and how different a vacation it would be just finding out I'm pg the day before we leave. Oy. But I guess I just have to trust God...and if we're meant to get pg this month then I guess we're meant to. I was just really looking forward to NOT stressing in this 2ww this month, and I've blown it. ugh. Damn alcohol...well, at least it was awesome. haha.

butterfly99
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I just saw a friend of mine post on FB that his daughter was born today. Yesterday another friend had a son. A few weeks ago my cousin had her 3rd (a boy)... I have 3 pregnant good friends, my boss's wife is due in Aug, another friend had hers recently...I AM SURROUNDED BY BABIES!!! sigh. I guess it's kind of like being the single person when all your friends are getting married. Just one of life's stages, press on.

butterfly99
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For whatever the reason, whether it be the antidepressants, knowing I'm going on vacation in a week, or just the beautiful weather, I have not been stressing (as much) this 2ww. It's been a breath of fresh air to my usual mental anguish, although not totally gone because we did have our one slip (and because let's face it, I'm mental). Today I caught myself thinking "wait that boob is sore (squeezed it), yep, it's sore, wait stop quit doing that!"... well, small steps.

I'm starting to freak out in other ways though...this stupid UTI I have doesn't seem to want to go away, and I have lots of pain in my right lower abdomen. Grrr...my mom said I could possibly be getting appendicitis (oh, great now I've googled symptoms of appendicitis for half an hour). I better not be friggin getting that, and this darn UTI better friggin go away!

Why is it always one thing or another?

butterfly99
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likely no appendicitis...WHEW! possible yeast infection from the antibiotics, thank God I take my last dose tomorrow. You all wanted the play by play right? Sorry.

I went out with some girlfriends on Saturday, and a friend of mine asked me how long we'd been trying. So I told her, and she told me we just needed to relax. Why does that always sting when people say stuff like that? NO SHIT I need to relax, thank you for the advice... because relaxing is SO EASY... oh wait, it's NOT! So I just say "I know, but it's not in my personality to do that"... what else am I supposed to say? What's the comeback there? I don't really want to launch into everything, but feel I have to...so I did, and then realized later that I probably don't need to be sharing all of this with everyone. Hm. Just because it's consuming me doesn't mean everyone cares or needs to know. I feel so distant from my friends. I can't wait for this vacation.

butterfly99
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I am just thinking about all the words I use while describing this TTC journey... I'm feeling more objective this month during my 2ww as I've mentioned before, but still these words pop into mind, so here goes:

rollercoaster, draining, emotional, obsessive, OCD, hurt, sad, hopeless, discouraged, resentful, unfair, crazy, controlling, consumed, stuck, limbo, surrender, let-go, trying, heartache, disconnected, distant, sigh, tired, faith, strength, prayer, growth, health, vision, future, unknown, unexplained, infertility, irrational, exhausted...

rabidpecan
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Ugh! I understand the frustration when people tell you to relax and it will happen. Exactly how does one "relax" when you've been TTCing for two years? I think there will come a point when you're ready to just let go and whatever happens, happens. But why can't people understand that sometimes pregnancy just doesn't come naturally? Sometimes it takes a lot of work, research, money, effort and scheduling to get that little bundle in our arms.

Anyway, I hope you're able to relax the next little while and enjoy yourself in Italy!!

__________________

*Katie*
TTC #1 for 29 months
BFP- August 2009
M/C September 2009
Diagnosed with PCOS December 2009
Started Clomid January 2010
BFP May 2010 -  M/C same month
BFP Christmas Day, 2010- Ephraim James born Sept. 2011
Now TTC #2
M/C in June 2012
Lilypie Second Birthday tickers

butterfly99
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Part I
How does one know if one has actually gone insane? Not just episodes of neurotic personality, but really truly lost it? I talk to myself. All the time. In public, in private, I talk to my cats, they answer, and sometimes I talk to them in their own language. Today on my bike ride in to work a whistle pig (marmot) ran across the path. I stopped, he stopped and we stared at each other for a minute. I said hi, he stared at me. I talked to the thing...and it made me happy. Was I like this before TTC? Or am I just realizing how TTC has brought out this crazy part of me... maybe this isn't crazy after all, maybe everyone has this side to his/her personality? hm.

Part II
So tonight I thought I had lost a check someone gave me. I have been searching my house for the last hour looking for this thing...went through all the mail (about 5 times), went through the recycling, looked through drawers, my purse, the office, everywhere, and the check was no where to be found. Even looked in the garage a few times thinking maybe I set it down while bringing in groceries the other day through the garage...nope nada zipo ziltch! So I'm walking up the stairs to the bedroom, completely deflated and announce to my husband "I'm giving up"... I walk into the bedroom, grab the bag that is sitting on the dresser to put it away and lo and behold in the bag is the missing check! I just find it ironic that the moment I said I was giving up I got what I was looking for... what is God trying to tell me?