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butterfly99
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Let's get this party started.  Smile Comments are always welcome on my blog... many of you may have read my first thread, and I will probably still continue to focus myself there, but sometimes it's just nice to have a place to let thoughts flow...
I never imagined myself writing a blog.  I thought blogs were for people with interesting tales to tell, people who had stories to share or some wisdom/insight that others might find useful. Well, wait a second...I just might fit into that category.  I have actually been working on a memoir of my own life...the theory is that all the things in my past happend for a reason, and maybe the reason is that I'm meant to share my story with others. Maybe, just maybe, someone will benefit from my experiences and learn a thing or two from my mistakes.  Although I do believe everything happens for a reason, and I have no regrets of anything through which I've been, my own life has been a tale of ups and downs, and experiences I probably could have done without, from rape to abortion to a dysfundtional upbringing...everyone has her story, everyone has her trials...it's what we do with them that breaks us or makes us stronger.  But... we are not here to dwell on the past. We can only look forward towards our future.  Thus, let's jump into the now. 
I actually wish I would have started blogging when we first started TTC.  All the excitement and energy in the first couple months seem like another lifetime away.  In fact, I would encourage someone to do just that...although everyone's story is different, so many people go through similarities and it's such a hush hush topic about no one really talks!  Why? This is a part of life, afterall... we should talk about it!
Now, going on 19 months later, I am in such a different place...of life, our TTC journey, and my state of mind.  I cling to my research, to my cycles, to the belief that God is in control. But not knowing what direction my life is supposed to take really takes a toll on my spirit.  Like so many women, I struggle...lose myself to my emotions, and am overcome with grief and mourning the thing I never had...month after month after painful month. 
I truly believe that we will be OK if we don't have kids.  Why? Because we have to be! Because God knows me better than I know myself, and if He doesn't see me fit enough to be a mother...so be it.  Then I will travel, volunteer, and be the best darn aunt my nieces and nephews have ever seen! But the state of not knowing, this "limbo" state, where you have to surrender and just give it to God, is an incredibly challenging place to be.  I wonder what He's trying to teach me. When will I see a sign? What am I supposed to be learning right now through this journey?  On the plus side, I have been learning a lot! About acupuncture, energy work, how our negativity can manifest in physical ways... about ovulation, tests, stages of cycle, hormones, and much much more.  I've met some incredible women along the way, with whom I've shared my heart and soul and am so blessed to have such a great support system.  So maybe that's all a part of the plan...maybe we're meant to work though this, together...... 
the world bothers me... not only the evil that I see every day, but even a lot of people... people that are close minded, ignorant, think that our country is the greatest country on Earth, yet many of its inhabitants can't even construct a grammatically correct sentence.  It's pathetic really.  The bleak future, animal cruelty and extinction, global warming, poverty, war, waste, imbalance, and injustice drive my heart to the ground.  I harbor all these things and dwell on them. Why would I want to bring a child into this mess? From the minute a child is born, life is an uphill battle! And yet.... Children are God's opinion that the world should go on.  Children and the creation of family are the one truly beautiful thing about life! So, we set down this road... just trying to do the best we can, to live, and grow, and teach.  In hopes that someday, something we say or do might stick to the future, and we can leave something on this Earth that will outlast our own memory. Life is a cycle... we come into and leave this world needing care, being vulerable, and having simplicity.  What we do in the middle is up to us.
But I've strayed off topic.  TTC.  Three little letters that mean so much.  Three little letters that change the way you view the world, what you eat, what you think, how you divide your month into various stages...it's a lot to manage really.  It's a rollercoaster...and after so many months, I begin to wonder what I would actually DO if we ever did get pregnant!  I'm so used to being here in this TTC place. 
So, we are on cycle 19.  We actually met with a doctor in October who told us everything looked fine. I had a HSG in February, no problems there.  Although my chi is off and my meridians are out of whack, no medical reasons exist for why it's not happening. So I recently had more bloodwork, DH is having another SA, and will meet with a urologist. Then I will go have more hormone testing, and maybe we'll get some answers...maybe.  To be numb yet incredibly overcome with emotion are strange co-existing feelings.... and here I am.  I'm not sure how much longer I can wait...how much longer I can keep my sanity, when I lose a little part of my spirit every month.  But I haven't given up... yet. 

butterfly99
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I will also add here that in the true spirit/nature of a blog... comments are welcome but I would prefer to keep conversations on another thread (otherwise it just becomes like another post). Smile

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Diagnosis: unexplained infertility.
I knew this, have known it for a while, but to have a doctor say it makes it so much more real. What a crock... unexplained infertility is the scientific explanation for "it's all up to God"...can that really be a diagnosis?
On some level, yes, I'm relieved, because nothing is wrong with us and I should be thankful for that. Hearing all the tests were OK, should have made my heart sing! But my heart sank. And now I feel guilty, happy, sad, and unsatisfied. So on that other level, I just really want to know what's wrong, because obviously something is off. Stuck in the middle (again); what's next and where do we go from here? I feel like we've come so far, but are back to square one.
Then a friend of mine tells me I shouldn't use the term infertility, because it's not true. But you know what, I think I want to start using that term. Because having a label or a tag at least allows you to identify a problem... to create a bucket in my being labeled "unexplained infertility" into which I can throw all of my emotion, anger, resentment, frustration, and sadness, and keep it there. Not let it fester out there in every other realm of my spirit and energy. An attempt at control. Maybe then I can kick that bucket... hardie har har, no pun intended (ok, yes it was).

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At the risk of offending some people, and maybe I'm just being spiteful/feeling bitter about my situation today... but this is my blog, and I can say what I want (how old am I?)...

This world has a gigantic population problem. Some people say having kids is a self-less act, but if you stop to think about it... having a LOT of kids is actually pretty selfish. Increasing the population only increases the issues our world has. Sure, back in the day you had to have a lot of kids because the death rate was high and you never knew how long you'd last. And big families are awesome I will admit if you can commit to giving each child what he/she needs. But today we live in a different world. I don't want to have any more kids than can replace me/us on this planet (ok, I'd be happy with 3)... but for now I can't even have one! So I am feeling a little resentful today for the women out there who are complaining because they can't get pregnant with their 6th (or whatever) child. Please. Be happy you have what you do have...and think about the population a little. On the positive/caveat/side note here, I will add that I still do believe God is in control...so if you're meant to have 10 kids, you're meant to have 10 kids... and I really can't judge or say anything about it at the end of the day... so, I'll get over it...and I'll leave it in God's capable hands.

So... on to a less sensitive topic. DH is sick, again. I am due to ovulate next week and he's sick. Conveniently. I'm beginning to wonder if this is really a lost cause. I also find this incredibly ironic, because we had told ourselves we'd take a break for May-July. So I come to terms with that in my mind. Then, DH decides he doesn't want to take a break so I adjust once again. And now, who knows what will happen this month. But isn't that what life is always about- adjusting your mentality as you go? hm. A friend of mine on this site told me that if it was meant to happen in May it will happen...and I believe that. But ya gotta BD first! Wink I just wish I wasn't so negative anymore...I find it increasingly difficult to be positive, to find the light, and see the hope. I've always been a pessimist...the glass half empty. And I keep thinking that maybe having a child will help me enjoy life a bit more. But then I also realize that God probably won't give me a kid until I find some peace/happiness within myself first. The ol chicken/egg dilemma.

I find that the week between my period and ovulation is the least stressful time of the month. I don't have to worry about testing, BDing, not drinking, AF, the 2WW, none of it. I'm less emotional, more grounded, and can talk objectively about TTC without having a breakdown. So that week is coming to an end now, and next week is go-time again. Take a deep breath, try to stay sane, and focus on getting DH healthy enough to BD. And if he can't, well, so be it. What's one more month.

butterfly99
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I feel like I have phantom pregnancy. You know how the mind can play tricks on you... Mine is doing a doosey on me. A very good friend of mine just found out she's pregnant, and I feel like as she describes her symptoms to me, I actually start to FEEL them. I'm constantly hungry, tired, napping, hormonal, gaining weight, bloated...all very strange signs of non-pregnancy. Maybe I just want to be there, maybe I'm just trying to imagine what it would actually like, maybe maybe maybe. Maybe I'm just crazy.

So now we've decided to "half-ass" try for May. Kinda try, but kinda not. Ok. I'm still OPK-obsessive, trying to time BDing properly, so how exactly is that half-assing? No, no, I get it... only do it every other day instead of every day, or only if we feel like it... riiiiiight... sorry, not in my mental make up to do that. But, strangely, it feels ok. We're both under the weather, and we have our vacation to look forward to if/when we get the BFN in May. So, maybe I'm growing a little. Yeah right.

I'm really starting to believe that I have a toxic liver. I've been doing a lot of reading on the long term effects of OTC meds and other toxins we put into our bodies. Our cells not only hold physical toxins in them but also emotional trauma. That stuff doesn't just leave on its own. It actually has to be pulled out. I find all of this fascinating and the hypochondriac in me of course fits all the symptoms. I wish I had enough money to cleanse, do acupuncture and continue energy work... sigh. I also wish more people would take notice of the increasing rate of diabetes and other illnesses and the direct correlation between what we eat and drink...soda, processed foods, it all needs to just go away. But we Americans like our choices and like our convenience (Tangent- think of all the waste we create just so we can have our choices... all the meat in all the stores, all the food on the shelves..it's sad). And consequently, we are the most obsessed country with our weight/health yet we are the unhealthiest. Imagine that. Our whole system needs a revamping, we need to change our mentality, what we will accept and put into our bodies, and maybe we will get healthy. I wish I had known all of this as I was growing up. But no one knew about the long term effects on much those days. You can only learn by looking backwards, but life must be lived forward. So now I struggle with trying to create a healthy environment for a growing baby. Yes, yes, you're going to say that so many other people get pregnant who aren't healthy...and you'd be right, but that's not me. So in my search to put the explanation in our unexplained infertility, I am learning so much...I guess that is a step in the right direction, whatever that direction may be.

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The filter...
Sometimes I want to remove the filter... you know the filter in your brain that causes you to not say certain things when you want to say them? In fear of offending someone or being inappropriate or just plain shock value. We keep our mouths shut when we get comments like "so when are you having kids...??? you know you're not getting any younger"... and all I want to say is OH YOU HAVE NO EFFING IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE TO TTC FOR 18 MONTHS UNSUCCESSFULLY SO SHUT UP AND MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS" but I just smile and nod...smile and nod. I could go on and on... I just scream in my head.
And I wonder...what would someone actually DO if we said those things that are on our minds?

the other day someone asked me how I was and I kind of shook my head and said fine, and she said "that doesn't sound so convincing"... yeah because I'm not really convinced I'm fine. But we say "fine" to the question "how are you?" all the time because it's small talk and does anyone really want a different answer? Hm. I mean, what if I just started actually saying how I am when people ask? I think that would scare people away...so why even bother asking.

I think maybe it's time to remove the filter... maybe just a little...

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Sometimes I stop and think about how demographics play a part in what path we take and what we believe. I grew up in the midwest (it's still close to my heart! You can take the girl out of the hoosier state but you can't take the hoosier out of the girl!)...and am pretty convinced that had I stayed in the midwest I would have had 3 kids by now and would have married my college sweetheart (not that there's anything wrong with that!). But I didn't. I moved to a place where it's perfectly acceptable to wait until your 30s to have your first, or only have one kid, or have no kids at all. So we waited, traveled, enjoyed being selfish. And now I find that incredibly ironic considering we can't get pregnant. I suppose on one hand it's good I live where I do because I get less pressure than I would back in the midwest.

I think it's interesting how beliefs and structure are imposed upon us from an early age, there's no other way around that because we live in a society and that's just the way it is. And the demographics of where we live impact all of that. People told me I would be a great teacher, so I went to school for education...but that wasn't really what was in my heart. So at some point, (in a stage of self-discovery and questioning) I had to remove myself from the environment from which I came, so I could put back into my life things I actually wanted there. That meant physically leaving... going to Europe, and figuring out who I was.
Now I wonder as I live my day to day life, am I just again going through the motions? So many times I think we do things just because that's what we're expected to do. Not that I'm any wiser certainly, but I do believe that sometimes women go down this path because they think it's just what you do. Never questioning whether or not they could be doing something else. Comfort zone in the demographic. Accepted as norm, and don't want to challenge that. And I think maybe this knowledge, and hesitation to conform might be impacting our ability to conceive. I just need to surrender to life, but I sometimes think that if I surrender, that means getting swallowed.

So now here I am, 34 years old, again feeling like life controls me instead of me controlling my life. Is balance really ever achievable? I guess I'm glad I went through all I did, and have no regrets about life, but I just find it ironic that when I'm finally in a "space" of readiness, it's not happening. I have no clue what I want to do with myself, I would like to find a fulfilling career, if I'm not meant to be a mom, or give back to the community which has blessed me greatly. So I just sit here, unknowing, and the days keep flying by.

butterfly99
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Dreams....

I had a dream a few weeks ago that I was hiking and an eagle landed right at my feet. Two days later I was running next to the river in town and an eagle took off from a tree right next to me and soared along the river. It was breathtaking and beautiful. I told my mom (who is in tune with dream analysis) about these experiences and she said:

The eagle represents the connection to the divine power and is the ability to live within the spirit ye, remain connected and balanced within the realm of earth.. Eagle is quick to observe expansiveness within overall patterns of life. Eagle is a symbol of power, creation, illumination and exploration. Eagle says: take heart and gather courage for the universe is presenting you with an opportunity to soar above the mundane of your life. The power of recognizing this opportunity may come in the form of a spiritual test. Being astute, you may recognize a place within your soul, personality, emotion or psyche that needs bolstering or refinement. By looking at the overall tapestry, Eagle teaches you to broaden your sense of self beyond the horizon of what is presently visible. Feed your body, but more importantly, feed your soul. Conquer fear and co create with the divine. Follow the joy your heart desires.

Two days ago as we were driving home from a trip, I saw 2 more bald eagles. I do feel like something is moving in my life; like I am surrendering to a higher plan and a purpose. I am trying to be patient for a sign and gain a greater understanding, but it's tough. I can't remember things anymore, feel overwhelmed with life, and can't make sense out of my emotions. So I just plug away, hoping the eagle stays with me and helps me take flight...someday soon.

I often have dreams that I do get pregnant and my body doesn't do what it's supposed to do (doesn't produce milk for example). And last night I had a dream that I got my BFP...and then I miscarried in the same day. So what in the world does all of this mean? What kind of message is the universe and God sending me with this? And how do I decipher a sign from my own fear?
Even in the midst of my learning and growing, I am beginning to feel more distant and hopeless; disconnected from this path towards motherhood... maybe that is just my own protective mechanism, or maybe this dream just woke me up.

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Here's a thought for the day... since we can't change our struggles, maybe we have to change how we are looking at them. Stop looking at them as struggles and start looking at them as opportunities. Opportunities to learn more, listen, and be aware of our lives. Since we can't control our inability to get pregnant, maybe looking at it positively will allow us to move forward and then we will be truly ready.

Ah, who knows. Maybe I'm just saying that because accepting defeat sucks.

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Thought for the day: I need to take my own advice. and BFNs suck no matter how you look at it.

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So incredibly sad and drained today; no other way to put it...tired, exhausted, empty. So very empty. Heartbroken for so much in the world.
I just want to boycott buying tampons... I tried that one month, I said if I don't buy them then maybe I am not succumbing to the BFN. AF still came. She always does. I tested again today, just for the heck of it...because apparently I like slapping myself in the face.

I just want to know what the next chapter holds. I'm ready to either be a stay at home mom for a bit, or figure something else out with my life.

I feel like running away.