Have you ever wished there was just a magical herb or powder you could add to your soup to help with fertility?
After months of supplements, blood tests, ovulation tests, diet changes and hours of dreaming of a new little one, I always end up in the same place............ wishing it didn't have to be so hard to have a baby. It isn't just hard because of the time involved in all of it; temping, doctor's appointments, testing etc. But it is so hard emotionally, feeling devastated month after month.
In addition to Mother's Day, the holiday season is particularly hard for me. I spend hours dreaming about our life with a new little one around. It is supposed to be a magical time of year filled with love and hugs from family and friends. But for me it is an emotional roller coaster. Time after time I cycle back into an episode of tears, asking myself why is it so hard for me to get pregnant. I feel like I do everything right and that I am being punished for some reason. It is hard not to be jealous of everyone around me who is shopping for cute baby clothes and toys. And yes, I even find myself resenting my friends for complaining about morning sickness. If they only knew how happy I would be to be sick every morning, noon and night if it meant that I could get pregnant.
The hardest part for me I think, is that it is a feeling that just doesn't go away. I go through periods where I am reminded of all I have and feel a little be more at peace with everything. However in an instant, I can be yanked into the dark place where my heart is absolutely broken for the loss of a baby that I can not hold.
Every now and again, it just feels good to let it all out and know that you are not alone in this crazy TTC journey. So here is to the moments of peace for all of us TTC'ers and hoping that we will see the double line on our pregnancy test in the very near future!!!