10 replies [Last post]
Ljo19771
Offline
Joined: 05/31/2013

*Comments are Welcomed*

Hello all,

Well here's my stab at blogging about my journey so far. I usually like to journal but I've never "blogged" for all to see and frankly it makes me a little nervous but I have some stuff on my chest that I feel needs to be released! The whole TTC process is really a lot more stressful than I ever imagined and the fact that it's so personal and I can't talk openly about it with any of my girlfriends is hard!!! This is probably going to be full of me moaning and complaining so I'll apologize now Smile I 'm not someone who is known for my positive attitude unfortunately.

Here's a little history, I'm 35 and my husband is 32. Been together six years and recently married last September. We started TTC in December so it's been 6 months. I'm currently in my 2WW and this time it's driving me nuts. This is by far the worst month for some reason. I feel totally hopeless and anxious and stressed about it. I've been thinking about the whole baby thing constantly and dreaming about it.

Before I got married, I didn't think much about pregnancy. I guess I just assumed it would be much easier than it is. All those years I took precaution to prevent pregnancy and now I cannot even get pregnant! I know, I know it hasn't been that long and that for some people it can take years. I just feel that time is running out for me because of my age and I've always wanted two kids. Add to that the comments my family doc made to me a couple years ago at my routine physical about "Do you want to have kids one day? Well don't wait too long."

My DH isn't much help. He's happy with all the BDing we've been doing and he doesn't understand the emotional rollercoaster each month. There's been twice now where I thought my symptoms were odd compared to my normal cycles and then was severely disappointed when I got AF. He's used to my breakdowns but I don't think he really has any idea how sad I am or how much I think about "letting him down". He actually wanted children way before I did; I just always envisioned being married and settled down first and unfortunately for me it took longer than I anticipated.

To make it worse, everyone I know has young kids or babies. It was a little bothersome before we considered getting pregnant but it's more annoying now because every event, every phone call, every topic turns towards kids. I understand, it's exciting for them and blah blah but I just feel so alone because I can't relate. Sad It's hard to be happy for people all the time. I just don't fit into any group anymore. I'm past my young partying days and I'm not into full family mode yet. My best friend in the world just gave birth two months ago to her son and I was so excited for her throughout the whole pregnancy. I wasn't expecting to feel so depressed after she gave birth though. I suddenly realized how much our relationship has changed and of course she was super busy with all the attention from others right away, so I've kinda stayed away as much as possible to give her space. I miss her a lot though.

Well I think that's enough of this bitch fest for one night. Thanks to all who are still reading. Smile

Ljo19771
Offline
Joined: 05/31/2013

Oh, I guess I should add that I'm having a really hard time figuring out when I'm ovulating so I feel like I'm taking a stab in the dark sometimes. I've tried some ovulation strips but I ran out before I could get a positive reading. I've ordered some more and they've just arrived today but AF should be coming by this weekend if all goes as planned. That's the other thing, my flow is not regular at all. I've had anywhere from 26-37 day cycles!!! Before going on birth control they were much more reliable if I remember correctly.

So here's hoping to maybe not getting AF this month?

kimmilepeu
Offline
Joined: 09/23/2011

Hey Ljo

I believe the strips will help alot just keep taking them until you get a +. I had wonky cycles before as well anywhere from 20-50 days who knew when I was getting AF Sad
We got pregnant the month I stopped trying and relaxed a little. I was a basket case and then it really just happened. Presley is now almost 5 months! About other people, I can relate, I am very competitive by nature so that didn't help I stayed away from a lot of people and deleted a lot of people off Facebook, Your time will come dear!!!! I promise just takes a little patience and a little faith Wink
Kimmi

Lindsay
Lindsay's picture
Offline
Joined: 01/04/2013

Hey Ljo Smile

Thanks for deciding to blog. I always enjoy following everyone's stories, and blogging really helps get all those thoughts and feelings that you keep locked up, out in the open. I have tons of fears and emotions and breakdowns that I keep hidden from everyone except the girls on here. It's a great outlet.

As for figuring out when you ovulate, do you temp? If not, you should definitely start. You can buy a BBT thermometer at most drug stores, but it MUST be a specific BBT thermometer, a regular one won't work. They're very inexpensive, I think mine was $8, if that. Then you should downlod the fertilityfriend app to your iphone (if you have one), or smartphone or whatever. Then you just set your alarm to the same time every morning (even on weekends), and take your temp. The thermometer does come with a paper chart that you can use (if you dont have a smart phone), or you could just write down the date and your temp and then enter it into fertilityfriend on the computer later. Fertilityfriend will track your cycle for you, you just have to enter your temp each and every day. If you take it at different times, it will be inaccurate, and if you miss days, that can make it harder to see a trend. Also, be sure to take your temp IMMEDIATELY upon waking. Don't sit up or go pee or anything first, just roll over and grab the thermometer as soon as your alarm goes off. I set mine for 6:30am, which is when I get up for work, and on weekends I still wake up then to temp, and then just go back to sleep. Easy peasy. There's tons of info about charting on the internet, so you can learn what to watch for. Your chart will tell you when you ovulate.

Aside from charting, be sure to watch for your physical signs of ovulation. Egg white cervical mucus is a big give away, once you start getting that during your cycle, you can be sure that you will ovulate within a couple days. So grab you hubby and start baby makin! Also, a lot of women notice cramps during ovulation, sometimes they are on one side or the other. They might be sharp, or pinchy. This generally happens when your body releases the egg. Your boobs might also get sore or sensitive. If you can learn to get in tune with your body, you can figure out when you're ovulating by yourself.

And ovulation strips are good too. I never once EVER got a positive one, except for the month we conceived, and the night I got the positive was a fluke. I tested at 4:30 and it was negative, but I was cramping and my boobs hurt so I took another one at around 10:30 that night and it was positive. It was my first ever positive and it was on CD 16, I thought I ovulated on CD 12-14, so I was always missing it. Just be sure to buy like, a million of them from this site and use them twice or more a day. Don't use first morning urine, and use them at the same time every day.

If you're finding things are lacking, like maybe you're not getting any EWCM (egg white cervical mucus), or you find yourself a little dry with all the TTC, or really any other issue, this site has awesome supplements to help with that.

The month I conceived we used pre-seed every single time we BD'd, we both took Royal Jelly daily, I was taking a high quality prenatal vitamin, and we BD'd every day the week I was supposed to be ovulating. That mix migt not work for everyone, it's trial and error, but there are lots of things out there that can help Smile

My husband and I were both so shocked when I became pregnant, I thought I never would and he thought it would take much longer, so you never know. Just keep trying and remember that you only have a teeny tiny chance every month of catching the egg, so it's not you, it's just nature.

It will happen!

__________________

Pregnancy%20tickerMake a pregnancy ticker

Ljo19771
Offline
Joined: 05/31/2013

Thanks for your support guys. Feels good to let it out, doesn't it Smile I also enjoy reading everyones stories. When I'm feeling low, I can read about how some of the ladies on here have miscarried and suddenly I realize I don't have it so bad. And on the other hand I read all the success stories and it gives me hope.

Thank you Lindsay for all our your detailed information. This is the first month really that I'm "really" listening to my body and trying to tell what's going on in there. I don't have a BBT thermometer but I may be going that direction next Smile Now, to wait a few more days to see if AF comes or not.

Ljo19771
Offline
Joined: 05/31/2013

Still waiting for AF to come. Today is day 32. It hasn't been a good week for me emotionally. There's a lot of crap at work and it's dragging me down and I can't wait to leave but I'm not happy at home either. Sad I had a dream Friday night that I was pregnant and that I took two pregnancy tests and saw the positive results. Had a hard time sleeping after that and so I woke up in the morning and thought I'd take a test just to see before my DH woke up. And how cool would it be if it were positive and I could make a quick card that said "Happy Father's Day 1 Day Early". But the results were negative. I wasn't that surprised really.

So if all goes according to my last cycles since stopping the pill, it could be another 5-6 days or so before I do get AF. How come I feel like crap for a couple of weeks if I'm not PG? Kinda nauseous, nervous stomach, sore boobs. It's really not fair.

One of my coworkers is pregnant. She's older than me (38) with one son from a previous relationship. She's living with her boyfriend of almost two years and they've had a lot of problems. He's an alcoholic, unemployed since December, they live in a two bedroom apartment, neither of them drives and she's barely working part time hours. And they've just announced she's pregnant. Wonderful. I'm supposed to feel all cozy about it. She's ecstatic because she loves kids and couldn't wait to have more. It just seems like a cruel joke sometimes when some people who aren't prepared to have children seem to have them the easiest.

I have a baby shower to go to next weekend. It's for a woman that I know as more of an acquaintance. Friends with my best friend (the one who just gave birth three months ago). At first I was going to decline but I accepted and now I'm dreading it. UGH.

Aren't I just a ray of sunshine today? Maybe PMS is a real thing.

Lindsay
Lindsay's picture
Offline
Joined: 01/04/2013

Haha PMS IS a real thing. Who told you it wasn't? You think your hormone levels changing don't affect you in any way? C'mon...

PMS is the reason you feel like crap the week or two before AF shows up Wink I ALWAYS had symptoms the week or so before I got AF, always. Sore boobs, nauseous, nervous feelings, headaches, the whole bit. Then I'd get sort of excited, then I'd get a negative, then AF would show. It was a cycle I went through every month when I was TTC. I just stopped paying so much attention to it, it was making me sad and I knew what the end result would be, so I just concentrated on other things. Made life much easier.

I also used to think that the least deserving people were the ones who got pregnant easily. I looked at it a little differently though. I was upset about it, I thought it was unfair, for sure, but I also thought that maybe those people were the people who really needed a life change, and the baby would do that for them. People headed down the wrong path, people in bad relationships, teenagers with no regard for anyone but themselves... Those people need a wake up call, and I think then getting pregnant does that for them. Besides, comparing yourself to anyone else is pointless, you should only worry about you.

I too went to baby showers when I was TTC (I was actually pregnant during the last one, but didn't know it yet). I found the idea of going a little tough, but actually being there was awesome. It's impossible not to get sucked up in the joy and excitement and they are so much fun. Just because you're sad about your own situation, doesn't mean you can't be happy for someone else. Just keep karma in mind, always give more than you get. Always. It WILL come back to you. Go buy an awesome gift, and enjoy the shopping experience. Look around at all of the things you would like to receive at your own baby shower. Make it real. You have to believe it will happen, or else it never will. And go to that baby shower with genuine joy, it will be much easier than trying to pretend to be happy, and also, if you're pretending, people will see right through you. I promise you will enjoy yourself if you go in with the right attitude Smile

You should definitely start BBT charting. You'll get a handle on your cycles much faster and they'll start to make more sense.

I hope you're feeling better today Smile

__________________

Pregnancy%20tickerMake a pregnancy ticker

Ljo19771
Offline
Joined: 05/31/2013

Well, it's been a while and a lot has happened. In July my husband convinced me to make an appointment with my family doctor to just see what he thinks about us not being able to conceive for 6 months. He basically said he wasn't worried (despite my age being 35) and that he thinks we should try for at least a year and go through summer holidays and christmas when people are more relaxed usually. He said he'd put a referral in to a gyno anyways since they usually take months.

Well, the next week I get a call with an appointment and they get me in right away. Doc says that due to my age, he wanted to see me immediately. Suspects that I have PCOS and gives me requisitions to get two types of ultra sounds and blood work done. Gives me folic acid and metformin to take once blood work is complete. Go back after two months and he confirms that his diagnosis of PCOS is correct and that I have three fibroids in my uterus, one of which is bigger and growing inside my uterus therefore going to make it difficult sometimes to sustain a pregnancy. He asks me to come back in two weeks so he can do some cultures and possibly talk about putting me on clomid.

Fast forward to my appointment with him yesterday. He finally had the sperm analysis back from my husband and bad news; he has abnormal sperm. The shape of some of his sperm doesn't look good. It's not horrible but not "glowing" either were his exact words. WTH???? I was totally unprepared for that. Here I was thinking all this time that we were both normal and healthy and then I get the bombshell that there's stuff wrong with me and now him too?? So now his suggestion is that we don't waste anymore time and go right to a different fertility clinic where they can do IUI. I had NO IDEA what the heck that was until he explained it.

Soooo I spent the rest of the afternoon crying and most of the evening. Every time I think about it, it makes me extremely sad. I have a million thoughts going through my head and I don't even know what to think anymore. I guess I always thought that one day I'd have a family and it would just happen. I didn't think that I'd have to be artificially induced to make it happen. Also, there's a cost involved more than just medications that I've been taking. I'm scared to death. What if this doesn't work?? I don't know what to expect of the procedure either. I've done some research online but each case is individual so I don't know what route I'll have to take. Also, I'm worried about work and that everyone will be asking questions. I will need to be taking quite a bit of time to make all these appointments and I don't work in an environment where I can sneak in and out easily. My schedule is dependent on other people and they have to cover me when I leave. So that means people will be finding out my personal problems.

I guess now I'm just waiting to hear from the clinic for what the next step is and when they want to see me. I really don't have any choice if we want to have a baby so I better be able to wrap my head around this as quickly as possible.

Lindsay
Lindsay's picture
Offline
Joined: 01/04/2013

This is a lot for you to take in all at once, and I'm sorry that you're going through it.

There are A LOT of women on here who got pregnant with IUI! It's an amazing option for those with special circumstances! Don't feel bad about needing it, it is there to be used and so many women are incredibly grateful for it! I'm sure you will be too, once you have time to work through the emotions. Just be prepared for multiples Wink You could have twins! How exciting!!

As for work, I can totally relate. Work is absolutely killing me right now. My boss gets pissed every time I have an appointment to go to or when I have tests to get done. I have been accommodating him my entire pregnancy! Yesterday I saw my midwife and when I had to re-book they said they couldn't get me in at my usual 5pm time slot anymore because of births. I am off work at 4:30 and my boss takes every minute I miss from work and adds them all up and then tells me after about 30 hours of missed time that I need to make it all up or else he will take it off my pay. Awesome, right? So I got a little snappy with the poor receptionist at the clinic yesterday and didn't even book my next appointment because I can't miss any time from work! UGH! I'm pregnant for eff's sake! I could use a little understanding maybe?! So today I decided to say screw work, and I booked my appointment and my tests and when my boss phoned me, I told him I was booking appointments and he goes "After work, I hope." NOPE. I'm done. I don'y care if he takes the time off my pay or whatever else. I'm not sacrificing any more time for him! Jobs are seriously the worst. As far as yours goes, nobody needs to know why you are missing work. You could have cancer and be dying, they STILL don't need to know. It's YOUR business. All you need to say is that you have medical appointments. Period. Just remember that when you do get pregnant, you will likely be sick for the first while (or the whole time, if you're like many unlikely women), what will you tell work then? You won't want them to know that you're pregnant right away, so you'll make something else up. This is the same thing. DO NOT let your job interfere with you having a baby. Three are millions of jobs out there, getting pregnant is the chance of a lifetime.

I know you must be feeling so lost right now, but try to be positive if you can. OK, so having a baby the old fashioned way might not happen for you. That sucks. BUT, there are options! You can still get pregnant! Yay!! OK, so dealing with work will be a huge pain in the butt, that sucks. BUT, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity! You won't let anyone get in the way of making a family! Treat this the same as any other goal. Think about how badly you want this, write it down. Make a list of the reasons why you want a baby and all the great things it will bring, and focus on that. Make your fertility a priority, never lose sight of the end goal (a baby!). Once you do that, you will get back up, dust yourself off, and move forward. I am SO excited that you will be on a new journey with IUI! It is SO successful, you will have a little bean in your belly before you know it. Have faith Smile

You've totally got this *hugs*

__________________

Pregnancy%20tickerMake a pregnancy ticker

tlee
tlee's picture
Offline
Joined: 04/03/2011

Ljo, sorry to hear of the issues that you and DH are dealing with. What a difficult blow. Sad It's so crazy eh? You think that getting pregnant is going to be so easy. So it's shocking when there are issues and it takes awhile.

I read your post and just wanted to let you know that IUI is a good option! I know it would be so ideal to conceive naturally. And only you and DH can decide if you are willing to consider TTC with medical intervention. But if you are, IUI is successful for many women. My cousin conceived a couple years ago with healthy baby girl via IUI. And my sister just gave birth to healthy twins four days ago, who were conceived via IUI (their third attempt at it.) It does take a lot of time and energy to get to all of the appointments. And while it was frustrating at the time, they have no regrets what so ever now that they have their babies in their arms.

I hope you and DH have a chance for an open conversation regarding your beliefs and goals. And that whatever you decide, it will lead you to your BFP and a lucky little baby!

__________________

Married my Best Friend ~ December 2009
Elliot James ~ January 2013
Little Angel ~ January 2015
Miles Bartholomeus ~ April 2016
 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

Ljo19771
Offline
Joined: 05/31/2013

Thanks so much ladies for your uplifting words. It really means a lot. I am feeling slightly better about the whole ordeal after a couple of days thinking about it. I really hope that these new docs/nurses take a little more time with me and explain things better. I have so many questions that arise and no time to ask them during the visit. I'm sitting there listening and trying to absorb everything he's saying and putting my complete trust in him that he knows what he's doing! I have a hard time doing that.

I think I'm having a hard time with stuff because I'm a planner. I don't like "new" situations and feel very uncomfortable in them. My doc gave me very very little info on what IUI was. For god sakes, he didn't even explain what that abbreviation stood for! I have been doing a lot of research online and read a lot of stories of women going through it. It's been impossible to know what to expect though because as far as I can tell, everyone's experience is different depending on their problems. I wish I just knew what was going to happen so I could prepare. Sigh.

My husband has been very supportive and he knows how difficult this process has been on me. I am a very emotional person in private. I don't cry easily in front of other people but he has the knack of saying just the right thing to break down my walls and let the emotions run free. It's been hard to talk to him about this because when I get sad, I get angry and I just say negative things. I like to think that I'm being a realist but I guess it's more pessimism. I don't mean to be like that but I just tell him every single worry that I can think of why we can't or shouldn't do the IUI. It wears him down and makes him sad because I think he wants a baby more than I do.

Anyways, that's enough ranting for now. Thanks again for the support and the encouraging stories. Smile