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Lindsay
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Intro!

**Comments Welcome!**

Hi Everyone. I recently joined the forum here and since I'm such a big talker, I decided that blogging was probably my best bet.

Things to know:
1) I'm very honest, maybe even a little harsh. I don't mean against others, but in my opinions on myself and life in general. I don't mean to offend anyone, please take anything I say as my personal musings and not an attack on anyone or anything.

2) I will give you too much information, about everything. I'm a very private person in my daily life, but I feel that I have things to say and questions to ask and I need to be able to do that.

3) I'm emotional, thin skinned and easily bruised. I cry a lot, and more so now that I'm going through this process. I am aware of what I am, so if you read my posts and think "Man, this girl needs to grow a set". Please know that I know. This is who I am, it makes me, me. I'm also really funny and I have a twisted sense of humor. I'm also Irish and Scottish and my poor husband has never stood a chance.

With all of that said, welcome to my blog Smile

A little background info (bits taken from my initial intro on the main forum page)

I'm Lindsay. I'm 26, I do technical records for a small airline and I've been married to my husband Ed, since September 15, 2012. (Though we've been living in sin for the past 5 years (shame)).

We've both always wanted a family, so it was the natural next step for us after we were married. Actually, to be honest we both thought we'd wait at least a couple years...

Ed's aunt is a psychic, card reader and all that jazz and I let her read my card about 8 months ago. She told me a bunch of stuff about our finances, my job, our house, and also told me that she saw babies in my future VERY soon. She said December would be an important month in terms of this. I broke into cold sweats right there in front of her and downed a glass of water in between "no no no's". December was WAY too soon. I walked away from that visit thinking NOTHING about the baby bit, but about how she said my house was going to catch fire and how my job was unstable. Since then we've purchased insurance we didnt have before, replaced our very disfunctional (and hazardous) stove, and I've had to do some serious rearranging at work. I didn't think again about the baby bit after having a good laugh about it with my hubby the day of my visit. Neither one of us believed her. The strangest thing happened though... In November Ed come to me one night out of the blue and asked me "how would you feel about having a baby?". Um what? We discussed it for about a week and started TTC that month, and then seriously in December. Weird right?! I was so freakin scared when his aunt was baby talkin' me, and not even a year later we were doing our own baby talk. Weird man, WEIRD.

So we did everything right in December (we had missed my O day in November (OK, I'm not stupid, I consider myself fairly well versed in matters of the body and whatnot. But I seriously had never thought about ovulation or timing or ANY of that. I always figured, you had sex, you got pregnant. end of story. I know.. I KNOW!)). So in December, My period started on the 9th, I ovulated on the 20th (yes, I'm sure), and I made sure everything went according to plan. I swear the two week wait was the longest time period of my life.. I was symptom spotting like crazy! My boobs hurt like nothing else, I was nauseous in the evenings, tired, hungry all the time, etc etc etc. Unfortunately, on CD28 my period came, right on cue. I guess at least now I know that I have a 28 day cycle, I had assumed before, but now I know.

I was so sad that day, I went home and crawled into bed and felt sorry for myself for a few hours. I then got up, ate some dinner and ordered some preseed and ovulation sticks online, and went to sleep. I woke up feeling better, still sad, but optimistic for January. That lasted for most of the morning, but half way through today I had a breakdown. I felt utterly heartbroken. I know, it's only our second cycle, get over it. But what an emotional roller coaster this is! My girlfriend is 20 weeks and she found out today that her baby is a girl. It made my day and got my head back in the game.

So as of January 6th, I was a little sad, but very optimistic.

Yesterday and today I've been doing some serious thinking. I'm back in the scared sh*tless stage. I want a baby, I'm very sure of that. And when we're trying, it's no big deal. But this week of downtime has led my brain astray (like it takes much). I've been thinking about whether or not we're really ready. Am I grown up enough for this? I still feel like a bratty kid most days, I don't feel like an adult! I certainly don't feel like a parent. And what about my own parents? I've been feeling so strange about them lately. I've been thinking about all the terribly things I've ever done or said to them, what a sh*thead I was at 14, how little patience I have with my mom trying to teach her to use a iPhone when she taught me how to be a human being. God, how am I supposed to do this? And what if I lose my mom or dad? How will I cope?! I can't imagine, and my parents are both very young and healthy, but last night I nearly choked to death on disgusting ugly cry sobs thinking about it. What is wrong with me? Am I really just a terrible person and this is God's way of telling me not to reproduce? By bringing up my guilt? I'm a mess...

My order of preseed and ovulation sticks hasn't arrived yet. It said "2-6 business days" So of course, it'll take 6. Maybe when it gets here I'll feel better again. I'm just feeling very unconfident and unsure.

Is this just me? I know so many women want to be mothers so badly that they just focus on that and never think about anything else. But am I the only one who is ready to run for the hills, even though I want this so badly?

Sigh... I feel alone in this. I don't even know WHAT I feel. This is all so strange.

I'm off to the gym. I bought new shoes and a new top yesterday. A good sweat always helps clear my head.

Laters babymakers!

Linds

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Lindsay
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Well...

I was wrong. The workout didn't help. I rarely have bad workouts, generally I sweat my balls off and feel fantastic afterwards. I'm one of those people though, who gets very frustrated when I don't have order. This is only the case in certain situations, like during my workouts. I need to know exactly what I'm doing and how to do it properly, I need to have perfect form and feel confident in myself while doing it. Today was one of those off days where nothing was going right, so why did I think a workout would be any better? The whole thing was bad, I left feeling disappointed and worse than when I arrived. I don't know whats wrong with me. Now I'm effing exhausted and ready for bed, but I'm still feeling that weird pit in my stomach, like anxiety and sadness mixed together. What is that?

Ugh. Maybe this really is a sign that I shouldn't be trying for a baby right now. Maybe this is all just too much for me and I'm not ready.

Sad

Laters babymakers

Linds

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kimmilepeu
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Joined: 09/23/2011

Hi Lindsay

Hope you don't mind if I comment....

I am currently 37 weeks along with my first and I know what you are going through!!! I still have those feeling of my parents, and the anxiety, and sadness of "what if I lost them", I am still a baby myself.... I still have days thinking should I have done this??? I know it sounds horrible but it's true and it's real and I don't think you are a terrible person, you are a normal human being! I was just like you in the beginning of TTC, I got really down on myself when I got a BFN, (even though we were only trying a few months and I got a BFP) I still got frustrated... But we find ways to keep going and keep trying... I think now, how I wanted this sooooo bad and now I have it and yes I am grateful and thankful but I HATE PREGNANCY... (please don't think I am horrible). Everyone says it will be worth it in the end.... I hope so!!!
Anyways I love your blog! keep venting it's good for you!

Take care
Kimmi

davina
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Joined: 12/29/2011

Welcome Lindsay.

It is amazing how TTC messes with our heads and makes us reconsider our behaviors and life events etc.

I am an over analyzer/worry wart/ control freak/ocd nut job. and ttc was quite grueling. between BBT charting, vitamins, OPK test strips, pregnancy tests. I was going nuts. ANd no matter how much i tried to control the process, it was really out of my hands. i could time things right and do everything "right" all i wanted, but in the end i had no control over whether or not i got pregnant. sux. lol

I think most of us go nuts while trying to conceive. i can tell you, i am pregnant with my third child and i question if we are ready for another, if i will be a good mom etc. and i already have 2 kids! It is normal to be scared and feel ill prepared for it all. we all feel that way at some point.

hang in there!

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CCBabyDust
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Smile Welcome to the crazy emotional rollercoaster of TTC!
Hang in there... it'll happen Wink

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Lindsay
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Girls, thank you all so much for the kind words. You have no idea how much reading your comments helped me feel better. I'm glad to know that I'm not alone in feeling the way I do.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

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Kitterp
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Hi Lindsay!

I will let you know the first month or so of a negative (bfn) can be the worst. You eventually learn to manage and get used to it so it's not quite as harsh BUT that being said I hope you never find this out as you get a positive (bfp) this coming month.

Katherine

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Lindsay
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Thanks Kitterp... I really hope I don't have to get used to bpn's lol

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AlishaTrying
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Joined: 01/17/2011

Hi Lindsay

You are in the right place! I know all too well the feeling of not being able to control what is happening! I'm doing it again for the 2nd time ttc baby #2. This site is awesome because you can vent, talk to ladies in the same boat and then appear sane to the world around you Wink Don't worry about being emotional it's your right as a woman to be sad whenever you want! When I was ttc my 1st, 2 of my best friends go pregnant and when one of them told us, as soon as I was alone I bawled!!

I have my FX for you! Try to do fun things to distract you in the tww, I would always try to do things to take my mind off of it (it didn't work but at least I got out lol).

So bitch, complain, cry, laugh. share away, everyone is here for you!!

Alisha

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Lindsay
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Trial and error... and bad dreams

I wanted to get on here last night to write about my very interesting day, but the interesting-ness of it kept me out past my bed time, so here I am, 8am at work, blogging when I should be going through my dozens of emails. It's Friday and when I walked in I saw a package of pancake mix and syrup, so I'm clearly not the only one with their head elsewhere. Breakfast is gonna be gooooooooood.

So, I was trying to figure out what I've done differently lately to make my emotions go all batty. I've been eating the same, working out the same, work is normal, home life is normal (except for me, that is), I haven't gained or lost weight, I've been taking the same prenatal vitamins for months... Hmmmm. Then it hit me *BAM!* I started taking evening primrose oil a couple weeks ago to help with EWCM at O time. That stuff is supposed to be good for you! I remember my mom putting me on it back in my early teen years for PMS, and it seemed to work. Hard to say if it had any effect on my moods as on my good days I was about as fun to be around as a wet cat. So anyways, I whipped out the ol' google and found a TON of women claiming their moods were negatively affected when they started taking evening primrose oil! Someone said that because it's an omega fatty acid, you have to balance it out by taking omega's 6 and 9 or else it can cause a hormone imbalance. Some women even claimed it caused severe depression.

Well holy sh*t. They don't put that on the bottle!

Now I get that this is rare and doesn't happen to everyone... or even a lot of people, but I am a walking "if it can, it will". So after my googling, I did NOT take my nighttime dose of EPO, nor did I take it in the morning. And guess what? I'm feeling WAY better!

It was scary sh*t people. I was seriously worried about myself. I'm level headed (hahaha... no, not really, I go off the handle at the drop of a pin) BUT, I'm not crazy and though I faced depression in my teens, that's not a part of me anymore. I was freaking out! I thought I was losing it.

Trail and error folks, trial and error. Just goes to show that something might work for someone, doesn't mean it's gonna work for you.

Pt 2. Bad dreams

I really doubt this has anything to do with the EPO or my stopping it or anything else but my emotional distress caused by the stress of babymaking, but let me tell you that nightmares can feel so real you'd swear you were awake.

The same night I discovered the EPO stuff and didn't take it, I went to bed with DH like normal, we snuggled up and fell asleep. He woke me up at about 5:30am because he said I was breathing hard and wimpering. Damn rights I was! I was dreaming that he was cheating on me. In the dream, he decided to go to marriage counseling without me knowing, and he met a girl there (I think she was the receptionist). I found out because he was texting someone and I asked who she was. he said she was nobody, just a friend. In my jealousy, I grabbed his phone and decided to call her and confront her (not even thinking that she would be anything but a friend, I was just being jealous like I sometimes get). But when I called her and asked "what are you doing with my husband?!" she admitted everything. Then I confronted him and HE admitted everything, that he was seeing her and he was taking her places on the weekends when he said he was with his friends. He was taking her to OUR places, and doing OUR things with her. I was sobbing, absolutely unconsolable. Everything was completely normal with us in the dream, it was like it is in real life, totally normal. Or so I thought. Apparently he didn't. So then somehow we were in my parents living room and she was there (thank god I dont remember her name and her face is blurred out or I would be stalking the sh*t out of some poor innocent girl in my city right now LOL), and my aunt was there too (I dont exactly have a good relationship with my aunt, shes a pretty crappy person). And I'm standing there yelling and crying and DH is defending this other girl, saying he's in love with her, and my aunt is saying how awesome this girl is and how they go out and do stuff together, and I'm telling the girl the get the eff out of my house, and she goes "I'm part of this family, I'm not going anywhere" and I go "you're not part of MY family, get the F*CK out of my house!". Then she turned into a cat and I grabbed her by the scruff of the neck and carried her down my parent's street and THREW her as far as I could. So Ed wakes me and and I started bawling. Scared the life out of him, he didnt know what was up. I was just crying and crying and speaking in tongues between my sobs until I could finally tell him about the dream. It was so awful, I tell ya... It's STILL there, in my mind as if it was real. So of course I'm drilling poor DH.. "are you cheating on me? do I make you angry? Do you still love me? So you go to counseling? Have you ever been to blah blah blah counseling center?" Oye... the power of the mind. Needless to say I was very tired at work yesterday.

But then the day turned around!! I have a scene card on which I earn points to see free movies in theater. I entered a contest on their facebook page yesterday to see the pre-screening of Warm Bodies and I WON!!! It was so cool, I never win anything! So we went out last night and saw it. FANTASTIC by the way! When it comes out in February, I highly recommend it. If you like zombie love stories, that is, which I do.

So that's been my week. My order of preseed and ovulation sticks STILL isn't here. Today is Friday, it's the last day before next week.... c'mon!!! Its a winter wonderland here right now, and seriously cold, but you can't stop the post because of the weather! BRING ME MY STUFF!!! AF has pretty much fizzled out, today should be my last day anyways, so I hope the EPO didn't screw with my cycle (which Ive heard it can do). That's why I need those sticks! I don't wanna take any chances this month! One of DH's co-workers told them all that his wife is pregnant. Normally I'm the one texting baby news to him, so the fact that he texted me to tell me is a big hint that he still really wants to get this ball rolling. He said his friend's wife is 5 months along... strange to wait so long to tell people, but I think they have a history of MC. I told DH that I could tell she was pg when we saw them at Christmas. He said "you could? How?!" I told him it's a girl thing, she was very obvious (the more discreet you try to be, the clearer it is). So at the end of his baby news text he went "maybe we have one soon too?" Awe <3

So, recap!

EPO doesn't work for everyone

Bad dreams suck. Ladies, don't sleep with weapons near your bed for the safety of your man

Winning is awesome! (Go see Warm Bodies in Feb)

DH is wonderful and really really really wants a baby

Have a super awesome Friday, I'll check in over the weekend Smile

Laters Babymakers!

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kimmilepeu
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Oh Lindsay your dream sounds horrible! I hate when they seem so real... Wait till when you are pregnant and how strange your dreams get... OH BOY!

Just a random question do you live in Canada (Scene points? I think thats a canadian thing and winter wonderland? (I'm in one right now too) I live in Alberta) was just wondering....

Anyways have a great weekend!

Kimmi