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hopeforonemore
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Joined: 01/31/2012

Yes, self esteem has always been an issue for me as well! Thank you, you have given me some great advice and ideas Smile

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hopeforonemore
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*Birthday*
Well, I did not get a miracle 8 dpo bfp for my birthday. I know how ridiculous that sounds, but I couldn't help myself. I have the 10 miu test strips, and I convinced myself that if I can get a bfp at 9 or 10 dpo with a regular test than surely I can get a bfp at 7 or 8 dpo with the super ultra sensitive test. Nope. I tested yesterday and it was impossible to tell. One half of the test was stark white with a control line, and the other half was pink and streaky. I wanted to think there was a test line hiding in there, but today's test is an undeniable bfn. Also (warning: tmi) had a tiny bit of pink when I wiped. Nothing else yet. I am grasping at the last tiny ounce of hope that it was implantation, even though I have been pregnant 6 times and have never noticed any implantation spotting. Most likely af is on her way. I have to remember I am okay with that. If I get pregnant I am going to worry no matter what, but if I have af first it will at least give me some peace of mind that my body is back to normal. But if I get af now then that means either I didn't ovulate or I had a very short lp... I don't care for either option. It may be just a post mc fluke, but of course I will worry and wonder and stress about it next cycle, not knowing whether or not I will be back on track or if I have developed a problem in my old age (aahh birthdays). This first "cycle" since my mc was supposed to be a not trying, not preventing, just using opks to try and figure out what was going on with my body cycle. But I recently started hoping for a not trying, not preventing bfp. It would just be so much easier than trying to figure out where to go from here...

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hopeforonemore
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*CD 1*
The spotting continued yesterday and at some point I decided implantation was no longer a possibility because it was just too much spotting. Obviously af was coming, so I began to get irritated. If I was in fact only 9 dpo then my luteal phase could become a whole new issue. But then again, maybe I just didn't ovulate. I got online and tried to self-diagnose for a while, worried about progesterone deficiency and a too short luteal phase. It is definitely a possibility but there isn't really anything I can do about it right now with the limited information I have. So then I got over it, accepted af and pulled out my old thermometer. I was happy to find it still works perfectly even though I haven't used it for almost 5 years. I have been telling myself all along that I would not get upset when I got af this first time. I know it is for the best, emotionally and physically, to get this cycle out of the way before conceiving again. But in the back of my mind I was thinking "who am I kidding? Of course I'm going to be upset!" I surprised myself last night, and this morning when af arrived. I wasn't upset at all. Maybe a little disappointed, and I did have a weird reaction to the first sight of blood. For a split second it scared me to death, until I remembered I'm not pregnant anymore. It brought back all of the horrible images of my miscarriage. But then I was fine with it, maybe even excited. I feel like it is a fresh start. I am looking forward to charting and hoping to get some reassurance that my cycle is just fine. But if I do have a progesterone problem, at least I will be able to know for sure and get it taken care of. I woke up this morning, took my temp, and weighed myself. Then the excitement was over, nothing left to do until tomorrow morning and ovulation seems like ages away. But I am still okay with it. I haven't told dh about af yet. He has been walking around for days saying "I already knocked you up." Hahaha glad the miscarriage didn't put a damper on his super sperm ego.

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hopeforonemore
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CD 2
*sigh*
Took my temp and weighed myself again this morning. Down 2 lbs. from yesterday, yay! Stupid pre-af bloating. (Note to self: you are always bloated before af. Bloating does not always equal bfp.) I am taking prenatal vitamins as always, vitamin B6 just in case I had a short lp, and cranberry because I am so prone to utis. After more research, I am not convinced I need the B6. I looked over my series of opks again and actually had another positive-ish one 4 days before the one I was going by. I think the second one looks just a tiny bit darker, which is why I used that as my positive. But, the first one occured in the middle of a 9 day stretch of no baby making action and would make my luteal phase just right. The only issue with that is, why the second positive? Who knows... I also did some reading on the cycle following miscarriage and it said weird things can happen, and likely I didn't ovulate at all. I bought some of the digital opks for this cycle. As far as the B6, I think I am just taking it because it gives me the feeling of doing something while I wait. The cranberry seems to help my uti issues, but once I ovulate I will have the dilemma of whether or not to continue it. I was taking it before I got pregnant last time, and when I got my bfp I stopped because I didn't know whether or not it was safe. Ironically, when I went to the ER with bleeding, I had a uti, and the nurse said utis are a common cause of m/c. Maybe if I had continued the cranberry I could have prevented it, I will never know. I read some articles saying it is safe during pregnancy and another where someone had drank an entire bottle of cranberry juice the day before her m/c... she wondered if that had been the cause and the doctor's reply was "difficult to say, but very possible." Yikes!

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hopeforonemore
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CD 3
Down one more pound. I hope I can keep going in the right direction. I had 10 lbs. that hung around after my last baby was born in 2010. By his first birthday I realized it was time to get rid of it, but less than 3 months later I was pregnant again. The pregnancy, the miscarriage, and the depression that followed has me almost 20 lbs. over where I'd like to be. Tomorrow we are leaving for Texas to visit the in laws. I have been absolutely dreading this trip, but we're going, so I'm trying to be positive about it. Lots of packing to do today. At least I'll be occupied for a while and then when we come back I can start obsessing about when I might ovulate!

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hopeforonemore
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CD 10!
Well, if nothing else, our in law visit helped pass the time! We got home yesterday afternoon, and I got on FF this morning and was shocked when I realized I'm on CD 10 already. Yay! No idea when I might ovulate but just knowing it could be any day now is good enough. The visit went well. I got the reactions I was dreading from the in laws, but I handled it much better than I thought I could. My mother in law had been calling and texting like crazy and she had said something to the effect of "I know exactly what you're going through and I'm here for you." I wasn't sure what that was supposed to mean but I didn't count on all kinds of understanding and support... Good thing! because when we got there she actually asked what has been bothering me! She was well aware of my miscarriage but I guess she assumed that I was over it and must be having problems with dh. I told her no, dh and I are just fine and I'm just going through something personal. Ugh, are you kidding me? Other than that, she was great. I just tried to keep my mind off of things as much as possible. We went to visit the father in law... they are divorced but live within a few minutes of each other so we went back and forth a lot. Anyway, when he heard about my miscarriage he had said he was very sorry but "it was probably for the best." I absolutely despise that term and I have yet to understand how anyone else could have the nerve to say such a thing. To my surprise he was very sincere when he saw me and hugged me and told me how sorry he was. I was just about to feel warm and relieved when he added... "but it's probably for the best." Ok, well I knew this wasn't going to be a visit full of comfort and sympathy. I let it go, didn't comment, and just tried to focus on other things. We kept busy, so busy that I completely forgot to take my vitamins, but that's fine. I was debating whether I should be taking the B6 and the cranberry, so after missing a few days, I just decided not to bother with them this cycle. I always feel natural is best whenever possible so we will see what happens. I will start taking my temp again tomorrow morning. I took my first opk today and it was negative but there was a second line. I have been feeling very weird lately about ttc. I still want to... I always want to. But I don't know if its just fear because its "almost time" or what... I just don't have the excitement and the obsession lately. I still very much want our baby... I guess it would just be nice if I could skip the trying and skip the pregnancy. I am terrified of pregnancy and that's sad. It used to be so exciting. I really want to give it a shot this cycle because I'm running out of time to have a 2012 baby (as I mentioned in an earlier post, I am a number and pattern freak, to the point of obsession, and that part of me HAS to have a 2012 baby... not 2013. I hate odd numbers and 2012 fits with my pattern). So, I think I will give it my all, even though I am scared to death of a bfp, but if it doesn't happen this cycle, I don't know what next. I *think* I am comfortable with taking a break. Maybe just trying to focus on healing and getting a daily routine again. But then that could just be the fear talking and I may not be able to take a break. We will just have to see how I feel when the time comes...

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hopeforonemore
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CD 11
LH Surge!

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hopeforonemore
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CD 12
...and still surging. I bought the digital opks for this cycle (which I absolutely love!) but since I still have the cheapies, I am using both. Friday the cheapie had a light enough line that I didn't want to waste a digi. But yesterday had one of those questionable lines that I have always considered my positives, since that is as dark as they have ever gotten for me. So I did the digi with the same urine and got a smiley face. I was so excited! I just love positive stuff. Then I was scared. Then I didn't know how to approach dh. I decided to just tell him. He didn't seem interested. I showered and shaved just in case. Still nothing. We even had some drinks last night and still nothing. He eventually went to bed. I stayed up and cried. I may have been scared and unsure, but passing up the chance made me realize that I am ready and I do still want to try. So this morning I told him how I felt and he said he didn't realize what exactly the positive opk entails as far as time frame, but still no baby making. I was worried we were going to miss it completely, but then when I tested today, I got an actual positive on a regular opk! It was the first one I have ever had where the test line was darker than the control. It figures this would only happen when I have the very expensive digitals as back up. But I did another digi anyway, just to see the smiley face Smile So... we still have a chance, but still can't seem to get dh focused on the task. Hoping for tonight...

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hopeforonemore
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CD 13
Close call last night. I really thought I was out this cycle without even getting to enjoy the obsessive 2ww! I told dh yesterday that lucky for him I still had a smiley face and we still had time. I told him even if we were to do everything right and time everything perfectly, that doesn't guarantee a baby... I just wanted the chance. His reply was "ok." I was so frustrated and ready to just give up. He was ready for bed unusually early and I was just so defeated I said fine, lets just go to bed. I got in bed, turned over and was ready to go to sleep. I didn't want to say anything to him because I thought most likely he wouldn't be in the mood and then I would get upset and that would get me nowhere. I thought maybe I would get lucky in the morning but probably not. Oh well. I started to assume that he just really does not want it, and I would have to accept that somehow. To my surprise he wasn't just extra tired, but had other reasons for going to bed so early. I'm not out after all! I think I will probably ovulate today since I had the 2 positives in a row. My temp was low this morning, although my temps have been crazy the last few days, due to drinking and waking up at weird times throughout the night and early morning. Waiting to see what today's opk and tomorrow's temp look like. 2ww here I come!

UPDATE: Negative opk today! I kinda miss the smiley face haha but happy to let the waiting begin. Getting dh to bd this cycle was not fun... crossing my fingers that one shot will be enough. I'm feeling hopeful.

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hopeforonemore
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CD 14
2dpo? 1dpo? O day? or not going to ovulate?
Now I remember why I always hated charting.
I was really excited and hopeful this cycle, using digital opks for the first time. It took all of the guessing out of the opk and I was thrilled to see a positive and not have to question whether it was really positive. With the first being on Saturday, and another, stronger positive on Sunday, I expected to ovulate on Monday. I took my temp this morning fully expecting to see a lovely post O rise. Well that was not the case, and now my whole day is ruined. I knew from past experience how one silly temperature could have such an impact on my mood, but I opted to do it anyway, hoping to become the expert on my cycle. Ha! I never did have those pretty charts that made sense. Mine always frustrated me. To make matters worse, I have not been sleeping well. I have been waking up an hour or two early and then tossing and turning trying to get back to sleep before temp time... I usually temp between 6 and 6:30. I think it might help to set my alarm for, say, 5:30 and get my temp, even if I don't get up yet. But it's kinda late to start that now. Good idea for next cycle I guess, although of course I was hoping not to have a next cycle. I know I am just being a control freak... none of this really matters. I can't become pregnant by knowing if and when I ovulated, I just want to know. If I ovulated Sunday or Monday then I could blissfully begin the 2ww, feeling pretty good about our chances. If I ovulate today then I feel like Sunday night was probably not good enough, and trying to get dh to bd is like pulling teeth lately. I don't want to bother with that anymore. And then there's the really ugly possibility of an anovulatory cycle. That's what my chart is showing... beautiful lh surge followed by low, erratic temps. I hate my body today. Puzzled

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