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hopeforonemore
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Thanks Davina, I hope so too!

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hopeforonemore
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*Roller Coaster*
So all of the stress leading up to the purchase of dh's new motorcycle paid off. It really is nice, and he really does deserve it. He rode it home and I followed. Every time we would pull over, he had the biggest smile and was full of so much excitement. The ride home covered it in dust and bugs and he stayed outside until well after dark with a bottle of Windex and a flashlight. He is wonderful when he is happy. Yesterday he was still in a great mood and told me to go ahead and pay the insurance deductible and order my new phone. So I did and it will be here today. I don't ask for much when it comes to material things, but the shattered screen is getting old and on top of that it is really acting up. It takes me 5 minutes to send a short text message. So yesterday I was feeling pretty okay... happy for him and excited about my phone. His sister takes me out to dinner every Thursday night, but for the past 3 Thursdays I didn't go. The first was the day of my mc, the second I just said "no thank you" and the third she didn't invite me and I was relieved. Yesterday she said I had to go. She is a really great lady, super caring and generous, but she has not said one word about my mc. I'm sure she just doesn't know what to do or say and I understand, but I am just not ready to be around the people who don't acknowlegde it. I'm not strong enough yet to pretend. I have the dreaded in law visit coming up though, so I figured I should go ahead and do dinner... better if I start practicing now. So I went and I did great. There were pregnant bellies at the restaurant and one of the ladies who usually joins us is out of town visiting her brand new grandson so I was shown pictures. No tears and no smart ass comments when asked how I've been. I was rather proud of myself. I had no idea that a huge meltdown was coming as soon as I got home. It came out of nowhere. I walked in the door and started crying. It went downhill from there. I just couldn't stop. It was one of those where one sad thought leads to another and the tears flow non stop and I was sobbing. I was thinking how I don't think I will ever feel better. I know time is supposed to heal. But in a few months, when I would have had a belly, those bellies are going to be more painful. When August comes and I would have been having my baby, those babies are going to be more painful. I don't see how I will even be able to leave the house! I thought about how I had to flush everything down the toilet and I was angry at myself. I was angry at the doctors for sending me home from the ER and not being able to schedule me an appointment until 2 weeks later. I was angry that I had to face that nightmare alone. Maybe if I had gotten a D&C I wouldn't have the horrible image of everything that came out of me stuck in my head. I went straight to bed and I held the one little onesie I had bought for the baby. I imagined holding my baby, and rubbing her soft tiny head and kissing her soft tiny face (we felt it was a girl but rubbing his head and kissing his face would have been just as perfect). Poor dh was totally confused. He looked angry and I thought this was it... he has been patient long enough, and he was finally going to let me have it. I've been wondering when this would happen, and I pray it never does, because it would scar our relationship forever. I don't think I could forgive him if he said something horrible or told me to just get over it already. He didn't last night. He avoided me for a little while, but then he came to bed and by then I was quiet with just a few tears and a stuffy nose. He held me and asked if I wanted to BD. Hahaha He really does feel the need to fix me and he just doesn't know how other than to get me pregnant as soon as possible. Nevermind that my opks are still negative and that if I cry this much now then I can just imagine how I would be with pregnancy hormones! It is very sweet though. This whole experience has made me feel so much closer and more appreciative of him. If I had to try and guess how he would react to something like this, I would have thought the worst. He can be very harsh and cold at times. But he keeps on surprising me with patience and understanding and I love him more for it.
This emotional roller coaster has me questioning everything. I read on a pregnancy loss web site that the women who go through this are just grieving in a normal and healthy way. That the author had more concern for the women who don't grieve and don't cry and just want to conceive right away. Where do I fit in? I am not ignoring what happened and I am definitely grieving but I am in the bathroom every day peeing on sticks! I still want one more baby to complete our family, not to replace the one I lost. I am well aware that it wouldn't fix anything or take the pain away, but I do feel it would ease the pain somewhat and give me new hope and excitement. But am I really ready? I also had the painful realization that if I were to conceive soon, then that baby wouldn't have been possible if I hadn't lost this one. I thought about whether that would make things worse or cause any resentment. I don't think so. My baby is gone and it was out of my control, it's not as if I would be choosing one over the other. I haven't gotten a positive opk yet, they were getting darker, then got lighter. Probably just my body trying to adjust and ovulation could still be a week or two away. But then I still have to wonder if maybe I missed the surge. I don't know what LH/opks do after ovulation, or after conception for that matter. I have heard of people using opks in place of hpts but I have no idea what they are looking for and it isn't reliable anyway. So just in case, I started testing with hpts as well. Three days in a row of bfns, but then if I did O right before I started using the opks then I would only be about 9 dpo today. I feel that automatic disappointment with each bfn. My mind is programmed to crave 2 lines on anything I pee on. But then I reflect on what I have been through and that I don't know where I am in my cycle and that seeing 2 lines would bring a lot of excitement, but also a lot of fear and worry and uncertainty. It is almost easier not knowing. If I was certain I was in the 2ww I would be getting more and more disappointed each day, but in my case, it isn't over yet! I could be in the 2ww.. but I could be getting ready to O. So a negative hpt might be followed by a positive opk and instead of waiting for af, I would be just starting the 2ww over lol if only all 2wws could be so easy..

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CaitieG
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Hope, I just wanted to say hi Smile I also went through a miscarriage about 4 weeks ago now (I was 13 weeks, 5 days). Everything you are saying in your blog rings so true to me. Especially the anger part. And, ESPECIALLY the part about a breakdown once you get home. We went to a friends for the Super Bowl and every woman there was pregnant or had a newborn. I did really well, but completely melted down when I got home. It happens.

I know it doesn't feel like it, but for me at least, time does heal. I had a miscarriage in July as well at 9 and a 1/2 weeks. The pain was just starting to fade a little when I got pregnant again in early November.

I hope you O soon and get a BFP soon! It took me 5 weeks to O after my July m/c. But every woman is SO different. This time I thought I was about to O, and I started having some bleeding yesterday. Who knows!?

Take care Smile

hopeforonemore
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Joined: 01/31/2012

Thank you so much Caitie! It really helps to know I'm not the only one feeling this way. If I didn't have the internet I would be so alone. I'm terribly sorry for your losses. Sad

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hopeforonemore
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*The Obsessing Continues*
I began using opks about 2 weeks after my mc. Without a lmp to go by, that is the only way I will have an idea of if and when I O, but I hate opks! It could be that my surge is short and I miss it because I only test once a day... but I have never seen a positive that I just knew was positive. I want to try the digitals but they are soo expensive. Anyway, my opks have been all over the place, but obviously negative, until Saturday. Then it was pretty dark. Maybe as dark as the control but not as thick, or sort of as dark on one side of the line and then fading lighter on the other side. I expected a more obvious positive by Sunday, but instead it was back to negative. Then a couple hours after I tested on Sunday I had possible O pain. I've had cramping on one side or the other before and wondered if maybe it was O pain... but this was more of a sudden sharp pinch on my right side. I would be convinced that Saturdays opk was positive and Sunday was O day... but I have had no ewcm whatsoever. Still, I am not one to pass up an opportunity to pee on a pregnancy stick... I tested every morning for 5 days just incase my lh surge happened before I started using the opks. Since I started using them just 2 weeks after my mc, I knew it was very unlikely, but just in case. Obviously all were bfns. This morning was the first morning I didn't test, because yesterday would have been 10dpo if I had ovulated right before that first negative opk.. so I assume it would have been positive by then. It just so happens we bd'd Sunday morning (dh initiated and of course at that point I wasn't convinced I had seen a positive opk yet). But then I had the negative opk that afternoon and the maybe O pain, so ewcm or not, the obsessing continues. This could be the real 2ww!

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hopeforonemore
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*Down*
Feeling really down today. I finally have a free day with no appointments or anything else going on and I should be happy, but I guess it's just too much free time to think. The last two days I was feeling good about my possible O on Sunday and already counting down until test day, but I was busy. Today reality kicked in and I realized I just made up an O day because it made me feel better to think I knew where I was. It is still a possibility but I just can't count on a maybe positive opk, and maybe O pain. If I had any ewcm I would be more convinced. I keep telling myself I am not going to resort to bbt charting. It doesn't really help to conceive in my opinion, since you find out you ovulated after the fact... just gives something to obsess over during the 2ww, which is fine, except I know all too well how one temp can determine how my entire day will go. But right about now, I sure wish I had been charting! I purchased a VIP FertilityFriend membership the other night, I wasn't supposed to do that either. Hmm.. maybe if I get af I will pull out the old thermometer for next cycle.
My house badly needs my attention. It used to be immaculate all the time... I was so thrilled when we moved into this house over the summer, I wanted to keep everything perfect. I am so blessed to be able to stay home with my little ones and keep my house just the way I like it. I had a routine that worked out nicely. But since I lost my baby I just can't seem to get back on track. I can't find any motivation. It takes all I have just to take care of the little ones and get a load of laundry done here and there. My hope is to be pregnant again soon and if I get a healthy sticky bean this time, then I can expect to be horribly sick for a few months.. all the more reason to use this time to get organized and get things done! I am working on it today but I really have to force myself, and fight the urge to just sit down and do nothing. I think for me, as soon as I see those two lines, my whole world changes. I focus on the future and preparing for baby. Everything I do throughout the day, I do with thoughts of the baby. I feel like my whole life's purpose was lost with my baby. Nothing (except for my other children of course) seems to matter anymore. Trying extra hard today to fight that negativity and accomplish something...

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hopeforonemore
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*Further Down*
Dh and I had a huge fight last night. I went to the dreaded Thursday night dinner with his sister. It really wasn't bad this time. It was only a few of us, no babies, no bellies. I was only gone about an hour, but I came home to him drinking. We have a history with this and it isn't pretty. To him it is just one beer, to me it is the start of a cycle I have seen too many times. I decided not to say anything, because I am not emotionally or hormonally able to deal with that right now. But as usual, he can't just leave it alone. He doesn't like me "being quiet" so he pushes me until I say something he doesn't like, then he has a reason to go off on me. He said over and over it was just one beer and that I "reacted wrong and pissed him off." One of our biggest issues is that he thinks he should be able to predict how people should do things. He is always questioning why I do this or that or why didn't I just do it this way. Even simple, stupid things like when I am driving and I park and he wonders why I didn't park somewhere else.. like I am supposed to have his mind. Now he wants to tell me how I should feel and how I am supposed to react to those feelings. So out of the blue he tells me I need to start cleaning the cat box. When we first moved in together, he wanted a cat and I did not. We had a very small apartment and we were both working. I love cats but I wasn't ready for the added responsibility. He said the responsibility would be his, and I agreed. Later I got pregnant with our son, so I couldn't do the cat box, but that was never an issue because he had always done it. Halfway through my pregnancy I quit working and all of the household responsibilities became mine, except for that one thing. It has always been that way. Over time we acquired two more cats, and he still did it, out of habit I guess. Lately I hear him complaining while he's doing it, something to the effect of "would it be so hard for her to do this once in a while?" I just ignore him. It is the one and only household chore he has. I wash all the dishes, I do all the laundry including his, I do the grocery shopping, and the cooking, and the cleaning (although I am the first to admit I have slacked off in some areas since my mc). Surely he can handle one thing that we agreed would be his job to begin with. I told him no, I won't do it. Not because I can't, but because he brought it up just to get back at me. He used the example that I don't like him drinking and he doesn't like that I don't take care of the cats. I told him it is not the same thing. He took that to mean my concerns are important and his aren't. He called me an ugly name and I cried. I went to bed and held my onesie. This time it gave me peace. I felt like my baby is in a better place. My baby is never going to have to feel pain, sadness, sickness, or fear. My little one is safe. I felt better, but I also felt defeated. Maybe this baby was never meant to be. Maybe no baby is. Maybe I have no business trying again. When I became pregnant with our son he was in love from day one. Our unborn baby was everything to him. It wasn't that way with this pregnancy. He was irritated and often said he couldn't handle another one. I was too happy to let it get to me. I figured he would come around eventually. Maybe I was wrong. I feel like wanting one more baby is extremely selfish on my part. I already had my one more baby and I lost her, that was it. That was our one shot. What am I thinking wanting to bring another innocent child into this mess? The world is an ugly place, my baby will never have to know, and I should leave it at that. I am not going to use opks anymore because I can't trust myself. I feel like I have made up my mind now, but if I were to see a without-a-doubt positive opk then my selfishness would take over and I would want to make a baby. I feel sad, but I feel like a huge weight has been lifted too. Now I just have to figure out what I am supposed to do with myself. Maybe that's too much to think about right now. First I have to learn how to get out of bed in the morning, and put one foot in front of the other, without having to force myself.

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butterfly99
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My husband and I have had these same battles! The "parking the car" example you gave was a great one. To which I've just started responding, "hey, who is driving, I'm allowed to park where I want... your way is not the ONLY way you know." I don't know why they think we are mind readers, when they are certainly not either. And arguing when one of you is drinking (or is in a bad mood) is not productive, yet my DH will push me like this too...I say, lets not talk about this right now because we are not in a level headed frame of mind, but then he pushes and it escalates. Seems inevitable. It seems like this is just a part of marriage, and everyone goes through stuff like this, so you are not alone! You may be more sensitive and he may be a little more standoffish right now because of the trauma you've just experienced. Talk about it with him. It sounds like he is holding some grudge or being a little resentful, those feelings will just build unless you put it all on the table.

They say it's never good to make decisions when you're in a negative space though. So I just want to caution you of doing that- you don't have to decide right this minute that you will never try again. I think you are trying to justify the loss of your baby, which is also a very normal part of the process. I struggled a lot with this, "the world sucks, why would I want to expose a child to this mess" but then I realized that's not fair to my child. My child may have an incredible life, do amazing things and love the world! So try not to assume how it would play out. That being said, I think looking at your DH's reactions and feelings is important...if he doesn't want another baby, then that is a very real concern. But he needs to tell you this, and not out of hurt from the m/c or fear or another, but because that's how he feels. Try to sort out where the feelings are coming from, if that makes sense.
Not sure if any of this is helpful, but your last post really struck a lot of cords with me...you're going through a lot right now, and you're right, for now it's ok to focus on just getting out of bed and getting through each day... you don't have to figure out the rest of your life right now.

hopeforonemore
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Hi Lori, thank you for your reply! As usual, you are full of insight and encouragement. You made some very good points. Dh and I have had many ups and downs. It takes a long time for me to let my guard down, to love and to trust completely, and it takes only one hurtful comment for me to put it all the way back up. Sometimes I feel like we make a lot of progress together, like we take a huge step forward.. but then all it takes is one argument and we are right back where we started.
I think the cat box issue had a much deeper meaning for me, and whether or not that was intentional on his part, I don't know. He knows that I am not supposed to change the cat litter when I'm pregnant. So in my mind, I felt like he was saying "you aren't pregnant anymore and you aren't going to be." Maybe he didn't mean it that way at all, maybe he didn't even make that connection. You are right, it is a huge issue that needs to be discussed when both of us are in the right frame of mind. But he can be very difficult to talk to, and maybe I'm afraid of knowing how he really feels. Chances are he would just tell me what I want to hear, whether it was the truth or not. When I lost the baby, he told me right away that we will try again. We will still have our baby. He has said so several times since. I just can't be sure if that's what he really wants, or if he is just trying to make me feel better. But in the future, when we are having an argument, I can hear him now.. "you are the one who wanted another baby!"
We didn't get pregnant by accident. We were trying, he knew we were trying, and I was under the impression that he was on board. When I got my first bfp, he didn't believe it, so I took a digital that afternoon, but at just 10 dpo and not fmu, it was negative. He seemed genuinely disappointed. He told me I had gotten his hopes up. I reassured him that it would be positive the next morning and he said it better be! I took all this to mean that he wanted it almost as bad as I did. Sure enough, the next morning's digital was positive. It wasn't until a few weeks in that he started acting less than excited and making the negative comments. I ignored it for the most part, I just figured the reality had hit him and he was having some doubts, but that he would get over it. I didn't realize it at the time, but thinking back on it now, I was very negative. Not about having a baby, but I was extremely worried. Every day it was something new.. the tests aren't getting very dark, I don't have many symptoms, I feel way too good to be pregnant. Maybe all of my worries are what led to his negative attitude. He would always tell me to stop worrying so much, that everything was going to be fine. He never said so, but maybe deep down he was worried too, and becoming emotionally detached was his way of dealing with it.
Okay, I'm sure you didn't mean to get me on another soapbox Big smile But thank you again, for making me think outside of my mood.

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butterfly99
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you bring up some very good insight!! For whatever it's worth, I've struggled with low self esteem my whole life and a lot of times when DH and I fight I internalize it more than what it needs to be, and it snowballs. So I totally get that, feeling like you make progress, but then take a huge step back when something is off.
Experiences like this can really be tough on a marriage!
I remember the first time I changed the cat litter after my mc I had a breakdown too, and that was without my husband even saying anything. I honestly don't think he put the correlation together, men don't usually think in cause and effect terms like that. But I don't blame you at all for being sensitive. I remember my husband had a hard time with my "recovery" because he couldn't fix it, and because he just wanted to move on...he's really pragmatic. But my hormones raged and finally I ended up asking him for more sensitivity, that I just needed to process, and I told him that I would get strong again, and I would move on (hearing that actually helped him because it made him realize I wasn't not trying), but for now I just needed a little more compassion from him. I think you have every right to ask your husband for the same thing... that is also part of marriage, we may not understand why the other person needs us in some way, but we oblige because that is what spouses do.
Marriage is not a place to keep score. It's like he doesn't value what you contribute as much as what he contributes, and that's not fair to you. I remember having this conversation with my husband at one point "i never want you to feel like I"m not pulling my weight in this partnership because I wont work when we have a kid (ha dreaming)" It was a very real concern. And he assured me that he wouldn't ever feel that way (still I get scared). Sometimes he has to do more, sometime you have to do more, that's just how it is!! When my husband is way stressed, I cook and clean and do all the shopping and all the laundry, but then when I am stressed or depressed I don't feel at all badly for asking him for more help! And you shouldn't either. So first of all he needs to understand the symbolism of the cat litter to you, and secondly you could just ask him if he honestly thinks you don't contribute to your marriage (I'm hoping that answer is No, he doesn't think that!!). Is it REALLY a big deal to him that you don't scoop the cat litter?

I think you're probably right that he started putting up a wall because he was scared when you were pg. My husband was the same way... and he admitted to me once when I had a fit of "you're acting like you don't even care, all you want to do is work on your Harley, we never talk about the baby, etc etc etc" that he was just really really scared. Give him the benefit of the doubt until you hear it otherwise from him.

I don't know if this would be a good idea for you, but whenever I'm really upset with my DH I write him a letter. That way, instead of getting defensive or reacting quickly, he has a chance to ponder/process and then we talk about it later. And sometimes I never send him what I've written, but sometimes I do, and then our conversations are usually more productive.

I hope he responds in a loving way... men can really be thick skulled sometimes!!

Hang in there...