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hopeforonemore
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Joined: 01/31/2012

I'm so sorry to hear that Sad It is still painful even after 16 years! One of the reasons I suspected I might be pregnant this last time was because out of the blue I thought of my mom and started bawling. It had been a long time since I had cried like that!

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kiwi kids
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Joined: 11/07/2011

Hi Hope, I am so sorry for the loss of your baby, and your mother, I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better.
I am so the same with numbers, my last baby was. Born 11/06/11 (I am not in the US , so June 11; not nov 6) and I decided that I quite like the idea of 12/11/12, so that doesn't give me long! Of course I will take whatever date I can get but every month I check the EDD to see if it means anythin (of course I can ALWAYS make it mean something)
Have you been told to wait a certain timeframe before TTC again, or are you allowed to start once AF is back?
Good luck!

hopeforonemore
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Joined: 01/31/2012

Hi there, thanks for your reply. Glad to know I'm not the only date freak Wink I hope you get your bfp very soon! Unfortunately I don't have a doctor, but rather a "practice" made of up several doctors and midwives, and you really don't get to choose who you see... after my mc they couldn't squeeze me in until the 30th of January - 2 weeks after my mc started! In that time I got more useful info online than what I got from the doctor. I ended up seeing a not too compassionate male doctor who told me we didn't need to do anything because the bleeding had stopped. He didn't do a physical exam or an ultrasound, or even blood work to check and make sure the mc was complete and I'm healing ok. He did tell me that it is very common and that it is highly unlikely that it would happen again. I wish I had been scheduled with a midwife, I think I would have gotten more answers and reassurance then. I am very grateful that everything seems to have gone perfectly, I guess, if you can use such a term for a mc Sad My body took care of it naturally, and I had no pain afterwards and no signs of infection. I got a negative hpt a couple of days ago, and no lingering hcg is also a good sign that everything is back to normal. Most doctors recommend waiting until you have your first af to try again, although I read one post from a woman whose doctor told her the only reason for that is to be able to easily date the pregnancy. Many women get pregnant their first cycle, before ever getting af post mc. I am pretty torn on what I want to do. They say you are very fertile following a mc and I don't want to pass up that chance. I am anxious and impatient to try again and I have read many success stories from women who got pregnant right away and went on to have healthy full term babies. But I am terrified of course and I think if I do wait for one cycle it will give me peace of mind that everything is ok in there. I am not actively trying, but not preventing at this point. I think that is the best option... if it is meant to be, it will happen. If it does happen I will be an ecstatic nervous wreck! Puzzled

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hopeforonemore
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Joined: 01/31/2012

*Peeing on a Stick*
My name is Kelly and I am a poas addict! Experiencing a mc is difficult enough but having no idea what my body will do and when is driving me crazy. Part of me misses being pregnant and can't wait to be pregnant again. Okay, a very big part! But the more cautious part of me is really ok with waiting. If I get af it won't be the end of the world but actually kind of a relief, and then I can move on to actively trying. But not knowing when to expect af is the hard part. So, I am poas just as much as I would be if I was actively trying. I just can't get away from it! My bleeding slowed down to just spotting on Monday, Jan. 23. I took a hpt on Tuesday, Jan. 24. Still positive. Bleeding stopped completely on Wednesday, Jan. 25. I took another hpt on Saturday, Jan. 28. Still positive, but much lighter. At this point I figured between monitoring post mc hcg and then ttc again, I would spend approximately a million dollars on hpts... even if I was getting them from Dollar Tree. So I ordered cheapies online and vowed not to test again until they arrived. Well I needed something to do to pass the time so I continued online stick shopping. I ordered opks, and the more sensitive 10 mIU hpts and some digital hpts for the ttc part. The regular hpts came on Wednesday, Feb. 2. I took one right away. Finally negative. Just to be sure, I tested again with fmu on Thursday, Feb. 3. Still negative. I also received the opks and took one of those yesterday as well. Negative. Then today I received the more sensitive hpts and took one just to be sure there wasn't any lingering hcg. Negative. So, what I have learned is that I still have no idea what is going on with my body, BUT at least I know things are headed in the right direction. I will continue to poas and hopefully ovulate soon!

UPDATE: opk today was negative as well. Not only negative but stark white negative. I am 99% sure this means that I have a ways to go before I ovulate. But 1% wondering if its possible I just missed the surge, ovulated already, and now there's no LH. Highly unlikely, I know. Surely there would be some residual LH for a while after the surge...

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hopeforonemore
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Diary of a POAS Addict Part 2

Just an update.. So Thursdays and Fridays opks had not even a hint of a test line. Saturdays was about the same, but after careful analyzing as if it was a hpt, I was pretty sure I saw "something." Today I got a second line. Still negative but I'm taking this to mean that a positive is in the near future. We'll see.

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hopeforonemore
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Joined: 01/31/2012

*Twelve Weeks*
I cried myself to sleep again last night. Every day I am aware of how many weeks and days pregnant I would be that day. I am coming up on 12 weeks this Wednesday. The "out of the woods" week, although I know you are never truly out of the woods, but the risk of something going wrong significantly drops. The week of the NT scan. When I was pregnant with my older children, this test didn't exist and I had to wait 20 weeks until the first ultrasound. With my 4th pregnancy this test was offered. I was told it was to check for the risk of Down Syndrome, and I opted to go for it without any regard for the results. I was just excited to see my baby so soon! It is a very in depth ultrasound and I loved every second of it and left with lots of great pictures, incuding beautiful 3D images. As it turned out, my results put my baby in the "high risk" category, but they failed to tell me this until my 24 week checkup. Then it was "oh by the way, we're sending you to Albuquerque." I live in a small town in New Mexico, and going to Albuquerque is what happens when something is too complex for our small town hospital. It's a scary phrase that one hopes to never have to use. I went to Albuquerque twice. Another very thorough ultrasound and then another and now the risk was even greater. They offered to do an amnio in case I wanted to terminate. The very thought made me sick to my stomach. So I continued the pregnancy with no idea what was in store for my baby or me. A few months later I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby boy with Down Syndrome. I have no regrets. I still had the NT scan with my 5th pregnancy, still just excited to see my baby, and still with no regard for the results! So here I am, approaching what would have been 12 weeks and I would have been full of excitement and anticipation for the ultrasound and the pictures. Of course the rational me will have those "trying to make myself feel better" thoughts... that this baby wasn't meant to be, that maybe something was wrong, something far worse than Down Syndrome, that made it so my baby was not able to develop. Maybe this NT scan would bring life shattering news that my baby was not compatible with life. Would I "rather" have a miscarriage at 9 weeks than be faced with the heart wrenching decision to either terminate, or continue the pregnancy, knowing that my baby would die? Absolutely. I will never know if this would have been the case, but I suppose in some ways it does make me feel better. But I sure do miss my baby.

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hopeforonemore
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Joined: 01/31/2012

*Warning! Man Vent*
I admit, one more baby was mostly my idea. He had mentioned it a time or two, but it was me that said "ok, let's do it!" As soon as he agreed, it became my obsession, not his. I got pregnant quickly and aside from the constant worry that something was wrong, I couldn't have been happier. I loved my life, my home, my children, and the tiny new life that would complete our family in August of 2012. Everything was perfect.
It wasn't the same for him. He was tired, stressed, irritated... anything but happy. He needed something... something to occupy his free time, something to be excited about, something in his life besides work and supporting children. He has wanted a new motorcycle for a while and right around the time we were preparing to file our tax return, he found one for sale. It was everything he wanted and more and if he sold his old one, that and the tax refund would cover it. I think he expected me to say no, we have bills and a baby coming. I couldn't think of anything in the world I wanted that I didn't already have. I told him bills and babies were covered by our income, tax refunds only come once a year, get the bike! The timing was perfect, he had already found a buyer for his old one, and the new one even came with a matching helmet in his size. It was meant to be! Now we were both happy and excited and life was good.
Then I lost my baby. My whole world was shattered. Not his, he was still getting his bike, and I didn't resent him for that. At least one of us was happy. The last thing I needed was for him to be his tired, stressed, irritated self. In the hardest days following my miscarriage I would sit for hours and listen to talk of the new bike. I felt like he was ignoring what happened, and I guess he was... it was easier for him. This was ok too. The miscarriage wasn't his fault.
During the most physically painful part of my miscarriage, I dropped my cell phone and the screen shattered. I have insurance but I have to pay a $100 deductible to have it replaced. I didn't think this was going to be a problem, but 3 weeks later I have yet to file a claim. I came across a simple yet adorable image of a baby with angel wings and I decided I wanted to get this tattoo to honor my lost little one. It will probably cost around $40. I didn't think this was going to be a problem either but I haven't been able to do it yet. He ordered a toy replica of his bike, a keychain that matches the bike, decals for the bike, and a gas tank pad. Last night he ordered some fancy valve caps for his dad's new camaro. His dad's birthday is in October. Mine is February 20th. I don't care.
We got our son a toddler bed for Christmas. I found out I was pregnant on December 10th, so we moved the crib into our bedroom. I have been staring at it since I lost the baby. I told him I might want to sell it. We never used it much anyway. If I get pregnant again, and I hope I do, we could always get a new one. This one is just too painful to look at anymore. So now he has been pressuring me to sell it so he could get "bike stuff." Ok, it was my idea, but this makes me feel like... we both had something... but mine is gone, so now he wants to sell what I needed for my something so that he can get stuff for his something. It really hurts, particularly since my something should have been OUR something, and makes me hope the crib doesn't sell. He went so far as suggesting I sell my ipod... not so I could get a new phone or a tattoo, but for bike stuff. I ignored him.
Before the bike came into the picture he was planning a trip to his home town in Texas at the end of this month. I didn't realize he still wanted to do that, I guess I had pretty much forgotten about it. We will be visiting his dad (who, when told I had lost the baby, said "it is probably for the best") and his mom (who was not too thrilled about the pregnancy in the first place). We don't have any extra money for this trip, as it is all going towards the bike. I am absolutely dreading it, but what do I do? Tell him I want to blow off his family? I just wish he could understand that I'm not up to it without me having to tell him and having a huge fight. We saw his mom in September and his dad at Christmas so it's not as if he hasn't seen them in years. I am so afraid of this whole thing turning into a disaster due to my extreme emotional instability.
Today is bike day! We filed our tax return too early. I thought earlier was better, but as luck would have it, the irs was updating systems this year and anyone who filed before January 26th was given a 2 week delay. We filed on January 24th. It has been a rough wait, he has been extra stressed and irritable. The money was finally deposited this morning. He is taking the afternoon off work and we are driving an hour to go pick up his new motorcycle. He usually rides his motorcycle to work, but he figured it would be quicker to take my van, that way when he gets off I can just get in and we can go. It would take approximately 5 seconds for him to park his motorcycle and get in the van, but I didn't say a word. Last night and this morning, as he was laying out the plan for me, it got even worse, and that is what led up to this vent. I was supposed to drop everything and go get gas yesterday so we wouldn't have to get it today. Then, because we will be out of town when my daughter gets out of school and I won't be able to pick her up, I was supposed to pick her up at 11 today. He doesn't get off until 1, and apparently he wants to be on our way at 1 second after 1, so this requires me picking her up a full 2 hours before the fact. Well, so much for that plan, he took the van. So we will have to pick her up on our way out and be on our way at 2 seconds after 1. And the best one of all... he doesn't want to waste time stopping at the bank (the bank is on our way out of town and has a drive through), so he wants me to leave a one year old and a three year old at home, lock the doors, and walk to the bank before he gets off. Are you kidding me?? I don't think it will be much longer before I snap...
P.S. I didn't get gas yesterday and I refuse to walk to the bank. We will have to stop at the school, the gas station, and the bank, all within a few blocks of each other and we might be on our way a whole 15 minutes after 1. I am such a rebel. I don't have my baby, I don't have a phone, and I don't have a tattoo. So there.

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Taylins mommy
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Joined: 01/24/2012

I hadn't really searched this site until now. I am so sorry about all that you have gone through. My heart aches for you. HOPING FOR ONLY THE BEST FROM HERE FORWARD!

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hopeforonemore
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Joined: 01/31/2012

Thank you so much Smile

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davina
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Joined: 12/29/2011

i hope you o soon. your cycle will eventually even out and then you can try again.

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