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hopeforonemore
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Joined: 01/31/2012

Hi everyone, I'm new to this community and new to blogging but I find myself having so much on my mind these days I think it's a great idea... I don't want to overwhelm the other message boards with super long "thought" posts. If anyone is interested, however, feel free to read and comments are most certainly welcome Smile

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hopeforonemore
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Joined: 01/31/2012

*Wednesday*
Not too long ago, Wednesdays were my favorite day. I should have been 11 weeks pregnant today. Exactly 2 weeks ago today is when it was confirmed that I was losing my baby. I went to my long awaited ultrasound with the tiniest ounce of hope for a miracle, but deep down I knew it would be bad news.
When we decided to try for just one more baby, it was all I could think about. I hoped to be pregnant for Christmas, and I quickly became obsessed, studying opks (I could have sworn that one was positive but is this one darker??), getting frustrated if we didn't bd at all the right times, and then studying hpts that I knew I was using way too early (but who knows, maybe I will get a faint line??). After a few months of disappointment it finally happened. On December 9th I tested early again at just 9 dpo... bfn. But then maybe I was only 8 dpo... I scrutinized the test again and again. And then I saw the faintest pink line. Were my eyes playing tricks on me? Did it even matter now? It didn't show up within 5 minutes. But I had seen my fair share of evaps and they were never pink. I got online and found what I wanted to hear- evaps are clear or grayish, not pink, and what I didn't want to hear- evaps can be pink. Nothing to do but wait until the next morning and test again. On December 10th I got my answer, a nice pink line that showed up within the time limit. It was light, but I was still early. I couldn't believe it, I got my bfp just in time for Christmas. I was beyond excited, and felt like the luckiest person on earth.
The uneasy feeling started immediately. I tested at 10 dpo with my 3 year old and 9 dpo with my 1 year old and both times there was no doubt... a nice dark line that showed up immediately. I tested again the same day and got an even lighter line. I tried a digital and it said "not pregnant." But this was not first morning urine, it was going to be ok. I tested again the next morning and still a very light line. I tested with 2 more digitals and both said "pregnant." I tried to relax, digitals are pretty straight forward. I tested day after day, always getting a positive but never getting that nice dark line I was hoping for. I was exhausted, starving, breaking out, bloated, and my back was killing me. I tried to relax again. I reached 6 weeks and I was preparing myself for the dreaded morning sickness, but I still felt great. In fact, I was still more tired and hungry than usual, but my back was no longer hurting. I reached 7 weeks, still felt good. I reached 8 weeks, still felt good. Could this really be my first pregnancy that I wasn't miserable with nausea and vomiting for the entire first trimester? Again I turned to the internet, looking for stories of women who never felt the slightest hint of nausea and went on to have healthy babies. But I couldn't help but worry. That was never the case for me. At 8 weeks 4 days I had a terrible stomach ache. It wasn't unbearable but it was enough to make me worry even more. I went to the bathroom and had a strange discharge, like a mucous plug. I looked closer and sure enough it had a pink tinge to it. Now I was really freaked out. I went to the bathroom constantly, waiting for my worst fear to happen. After a few hours, it did. I sat on the toilet and began bleeding bright red and passed a small blood clot. I started crying, searching for a pad through my tears. I sat on the floor and cried hysterically. I finally pulled myself together enough to go to the emergency room. I waited and cried for the longest minutes and then hours of my life. They finally took me to do an ultrasound. I couldn't see the screen. I couldn't bring myself to look at her face. I stared at the ceiling. She didn't say a word. I was taken back to the emergency room where I waited and cried some more. Finally the doctor came and told me I had a uti. He prescribed antibiotics and told me to stay hydrated. My head was spinning, who cares about a uti?? What about my baby?? He told me they had checked hcg but didn't tell me the number and told me to come back in 3 days to check again. He gave me a copy of the ultrasound report. I scanned it frantically. I was measuring 5w6d, too early to pick up a heart beat with doppler. My heart sank. Impossible. I was 8w4d. No I didn't ovulate later, no there was no way I wasn't as far along as I thought... I am a poas addict, I know these things. She saw a yolk sac, a fetal pole, and "cardiac movement." What does that mean? A heart beat? Do I dare hope? But how? I went home numb. I didn't get the dreaded news I was expecting but something wasn't right. I had already made an appointment for what was going to be my first ultrasound. I had been waiting for it for almost 2 weeks. It was that Wednesday, the day I would be 9 weeks pregnant. Monday I rested and the bleeding continued. Tuesday I rested and the bleeding continued. Wednesday came and I went to my ultrasound with a heavy heart. Then it was confirmed. Just an empty sac. This time I could see the screen. Where did my tiny fetal pole with cardiac movement go? Maybe it was only visible with the vaginal ultrasound they did at the hospital? I cried, but I forced myself to go to the hospital for the follow up hcg count. I went home and waited. No one called, I figured they wouldn't. I went back to the hospital and went to medical records and asked for a printout of the first and the second results. Now all hope was lost. My numbers had dropped by half.
The next day, Thursday, when I would have been 9w1d, it happened. My 3 year old had a doctor's appointment that morning. I had severe cramping that came and went. I took him, along with my 1 year old. While trying to load up my stroller with 2 babies, diaper bag, purse and phone, a cramp came. I dropped my phone and the screen shattered. I didn't care. The doctor's office was full of newborn babies. I sat numb and tried to ignore the cramping which was coming more frequently now. Finally I was able to go home and rest. I realized now I was having contractions. They weren't the whole body contractions that go along with giving birth, as my uterus was still small, but they were just as painful. The bleeding picked up and I could hardly rest as I was filling a pad within a few minutes. I felt the urge to push and ran to the toilet. I passed a very large clot. And then the cramping stopped and the bleeding slowed down. I stared into the toilet. I didn't see anything but blood and clots. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to flush my baby. I didn't really want to see my baby either. I didn't want my baby to be in there. I still wonder if she was.
Now I sit here 2 weeks later, on the day I would have been 11 weeks. It's almost as if it didn't happen, like a bad dream. But I'm not pregnant. Physically I am back to normal. The bleeding is gone. The symptoms are gone. I have good days and bad days. Days where I am impatient to try again and days where I can't imagine it. Days where I almost feel normal and days where I just want to crawl back into bed and never get up. But not a day goes by that I don't think about my baby.

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Rosiesmom
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Joined: 12/11/2009

Hi hopeforonemore, welcome! My heart just broke for you reading your story. Sad I am so sorry that you had to go through the heart-wrenching pain of a m/c. You have come to the right place though, because there are many women on here who understand what you're going through. If you haven't already, you should ask Elizabeth to put you in a buddy group. The ladies on here are wonderful and very supportive. I know you will always miss your baby, but I hope you will be able to conceive again soon with a sticky bean, when you feel ready.

hopeforonemore
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Joined: 01/31/2012

Thank you so much for the reply. I had several pregnancy apps on my phone and one of them had message boards, so when all of this started to happen I decided to check out the miscarriage and grief board. It was a huge help. I don't know how I would have gotten through the last 2 weeks without it. Not a whole lot of people knew about the pregnancy and the ones who did either blew it off as no big deal, miscarriages happen all the time.. or they have just been avoiding me. So I really fell in love with the whole idea of online support and I know what a huge help it can be. I am looking forward to developing friendships with the other ladies here. Smile

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davina
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Joined: 12/29/2011

hopeforonemore- it will happen for you again love. i have a chemical pregnancy in december. the baby didnt take. i have had 2 other confirmed miscarries and 2 suspected miscarries.

all i can do is keep faith that it will happen. that a sticky bean will stick when the time is right.

hang in there.

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hopeforonemore
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Joined: 01/31/2012

Thank you so much and I'm so very sorry for your losses. No one should have to endure this kind of pain and heart ache. I wish you the best and pray you will get your sticky bean soon!

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hopeforonemore
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Joined: 01/31/2012

*Strange Realization and my OCD*
I am not trying to diagnose myself but I have always been obsessed with numbers and patterns. At some point I realized not everyone thinks this way and so I half-jokingly call it OCD. I had my first 3 children in 1998, 2000, and 2002, when I was 18, 20, and 22. They were born in May, then August, then May. They were all born on a Tuesday. My first was 3 days early, my second was born on her due date and my third was 3 days late. If I had had my way I would have had a 4th child in August of 2004, born on a Tuesday of course. But that was not meant to be. I was finally blessed with my 4th child in October of 2008. I was satisfied with him being born in an even numbered year, and it ended up being the start of a new pattern, as I had my 5th child in September of 2010. I then found out I was pregnant with my 6th and final child, due in August of 2012. The timing was perfect in my mind. 98-00-02-08-10-12, having my babies when I was 18, 20, 22, 28, 30, and 32. And my last 3 being born in October, then September, then August. Well, my 2008 baby was 18 days early and my 2010 baby was 15 days early... so in my silly OCD mind I figured this time I would have been 12 days early, and with my due date being August 22nd, I was convinced I would give birth on August 10th. I was pretty excited at the idea of my baby's birthday being 8-10-12. Strange, I know, I am weird. Sadly, I lost my baby, and on top of being crushed about that loss, yes, a small part of me was upset about my pattern being ruined. Last night when I went to bed, in those moments of random thought before falling asleep, something occurred to me. I can't believe I didn't realize it before, I must have been preoccupied with my pattern obsessing... but August 10th is the day my mother committed suicide when I was 15 years old. And now I lost my baby that I was sure would be born on that date. I don't know the significance of that, if there is any at all. I just found it very strange and sad.
I might as well admit, it is always in the back of my mind that if I hurry, I can still have a baby in 2012 when I am 32 years old... I am sure if it doesn't happen I will throw my pattern out the window and keep trying, but I can hope! On the subject of ttc, I am just waiting to ovulate post mc now. I received the hpts I ordered in the mail yesterday and I finally got my first bfn. It has been so strange hoping for a bfn these past few days! But the 2 positives I got following my mc were both a sad reminder and also an annoying obstacle for trying again. So with the end to the bleeding and no more lingering hcg, I am on my way. Yesterday I had some annoying cramping that I ignored until I was washing dishes and it hit me that all of it was on my left side... O pain already? I don't know if it could happen so soon... I guess we will find out in about 2 weeks!

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butterfly99
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Joined: 02/24/2010

hi Hope, your post was very touching and descriptive. It brought back all kinds of memories and feelings for me too. It's wonderful to have a place like this to work though stuff together. No one can fully understand what you've gone through because the experience is uniquely yours, but I can say that time does help. It will always be a part of you, and you will probably relive it time and again, but in time you will come to have peace. It sucks to have to unwillingly accept how things are, experiences like this shake our foundation of faith and trust, and taint our views forever. I will never forget my little girl either, how much I feel like I knew her right from the beginning. Then she's gone, and I'm left to pick up the pieces with an empty place in my heart. It's not fair.
I hope you lean on the ladies here as much as you need to, we're all available to listen at any time. Best wishes and blessings to you!!!

butterfly99
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Joined: 02/24/2010

you sound exactly like me, glad to know someone else obsesses like I do with numbers and dates!! I have done that so many times, looking at patterns, dates, etc. Dates have always been a big thing for me too. One month my EDD would have been 8/21 (my grandpa's birthday and the day my grandma died), one month 4/30 (DH and I met that day), and on and on. I have come to realize that I think my baby wants its own spotlight, and will bring a new significant date into my life... that's the theory i'm going with when I get disappointed again and again that my patterns/significant dates don't hold true....
sorry to hear about your mom's suicide... if I've learned one thing in the last 3 years it's that life is truly a miracle, even our own.

hopeforonemore
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Joined: 01/31/2012

Thank you so much and I'm sorry to hear about your loss as well Sad

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Rosiesmom
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Sorry to hear about your mom's suicide. I know from experience that it's a pain you never quite get over...my maternal grandmother and half-sister both committed suicide. Sad