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christyttc
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thanks... i know what you mean.
i catch myself lurking on the computer all the time. but he got smart. i'm pretty sure he deletes everything he visits now. all that's in the history is my stuff and netflix.. oh well. but we have opened communication and we're fixing things.
ive been writing him love letters to tell him how i feel.
it's actually been really good for both of us. =]

i decided i want to join the air force.
so i'm hoping not to be pregnant this month (i know, i'm totally nuts..)
i'm hoping they'll accept me even though my husband has a bad conduct discharge and a felony... i'm not feeling terribly optimistic about that.
it seems i'll be living with the mistakes he made before we met...forever. but tht's marriage, right?
blecchhhh. wish me luck..

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mrshouse
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Oiy... yes good luck!

I hope everything works out well for you two. I can't imagine living with his mistakes. I am pretty lucky in that aspect. I am glad you two are communicating though. That's very important. I hope he's making an effort too. Not just you.

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christyttc
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we're working... both of us. even if i have been prodding him a little to get some effort out of him.

i guess i'm 12 dpo? who knows if that stupid ticker is actually right. it usually isn't.
i have a frer from last month, but i'm not gonna use it.
i didn't want a bfp this month...
but i always get excited when the end of the cycle comes up.
i'm not exactly sure what i feel about it now.
one minute i'm thinking "could i be? =]"
and the next, "oh no...could i be??? =["
i hate this.
at least when i was trying, i had one single agenda..
can anyone say dissociative identity disorder??
blechhhh.

i guess we'll know the outcome of this month in a few days.
except i'm not gonna jump on the testing band wagon right when i think my period should have come.
i'll probably wait a week or so.
but i don't expect i'll be late at all.

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christyttc
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a year.
it's been an entire year since we started actively trying to have a baby.
i read today that 80 percent of couples trying conceive within the first year... we have officially joined the twenty percent...
i feel broken.
and depressed.
and angry.
how long will i wait?
how much effort will be wasted?

my husband and i went out with some friend the other night.
they were all drinking, i wasn't.
they somehow decided it would be a great idea to start talking about how awesome their kids were and showing off pictures...
i felt solidarity with my husband at that point, because we were together in our exclusion...
but he pulled out his phone. and showed everyone a picture of his daughter..
the daughter he's never met.
who calls someone else daddy.
and he joined the group of included. the eighty percent.
and left me alone in my exile...
my heart broke.
i'm constantly reminded that it's me who's broken.
he can make babies.
i can't.
it's my fault.
and he won't suffer the emptiness of being childless for long.
as soon as his parole is over he'll go claim visitation with his daughter.
he'll be a father...
my childless womb and i will be placed on the backburner.
all our money and energy will go to this child that someone else was able to create for him.

i'm losing hope....
i really need a friend right now.

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CML
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I need a friend too Smile
I was telling my husband how lonely I feel. We have a complicated situation. His wife died two years ago, and we have the son they had together. I'm getting very close to being in the 80% of women who would be pregnant by now, and am not. Every single day I'm reminded about how my husband and his first wife had a childe after having sex once. One time. Every day I feel inadequet that I can't give my husband a child either. His son's room has pictures of them all together as a family, and until I put pictures in there of us as a family, it was still just the three of them. Some days I just feel like replacement, and like no one understand how I feel, and how hard it is for me somedays...
I'm sorry to hear that your husband pulled out his phone to feel included, and left you out. I know that that would hurt me deeply too...., I hope that things get better for you and that you have a little baby of your own soon to love and care for Smile

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christyttc
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wow..i can imagine your hurt...
its awful to feel like second choice. the mother of my husband's baby was a seventeen year old girl he met while he was stationed oversees. he got her pregnant and begged her to marry him, but she wouldn't... i feel like i'm racing the clock... trying to fill the void she left when she took his baby away before he's allowed to leave the state and see her...
there were pictures of ahndrea all over the house when i first moved in... they were mysteriously lost in the move... that might make me a terrible person, but i just couldn't handle it.

there is still hope for the two of us... and our relationships are valid, even if they aren't the first... we'll have to keep in touch. i feel like we have a lot in common. what's your name?

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CML
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Yes it sounds like it Smile
I'm Chelsea.
And I hear you on the picture thing. My husbands wife died from cancer, he said he only married her because they dated for so long and he was young and thought thats what they were supposed to do. I feel thought like i've found all sorts of stuff around the house that says otherwise. Little cards from flowers, pictures of them (besides wedding and engagement pictures we don't really have any of us) emails and facebook messages. I can see it wasn't always happy, but he told me he did love her, so obviously some of it was happy times. He is really the first person I've ever truly loved, so it's hard for me to hear that he loved someone else and be so open about it. I'm really mean though, and when I find stuff I make sure he has to see it too, so he can maybe feel a little bit of the pain I feel when I find it.
When is his parole over, and how old is his daughter?

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christyttc
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hi chelsea. =] i'm christy.
yeah, i've had a few of those same things. sean told me that he never loved his baby's mom and that he just wanted to marry her because it was the right thing and he was just young and stupid. but i found letter he wrote to her from prison and he wouldn't let me read them. he said "distance makes the heart grow fonder...i don't want it to break your spirit." he's never written me a love letter of any sort. so that's kind of hard. not to mention he never proposed to me, and did to two other girls...
his parole will be over in march 2012. we've been pushing to get him released early, but i don't think it will happen. i just want to help him...
his daughter is five. he's never met her and she doesn't know he exists. but he used to talk on the phone with her when she was really little. i'm sure she doesn't remember.

how old are you and your husband?

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CML
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You should have plenty of time then Smile
I'm glad there is someone else out there who understands! I really have been feeling so lonely lately.
My husband gives me flowers, but usually it's only if we've had a fight, and I feel like it's just becasue he feels like he has too.
It's almost like recycled words, things he said to his first love.
I'm 25, and my husband is 35 Smile

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christyttc
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13dpo.
i had the strangest dream last night.
i've had a tummy full of gas for a couple days and it's the most uncomfortable feeling. i can feel the bubbles moving around and i hate it. haha. there's a point to telling you this...
i dreamed that there was a baby in my stomach trying to claw its way out. i woke up feeling a bubble move in the same spot i was dreaming there were baby claws and i tried to smash it down! hahahahahahahhahahaa....

sore boobs. blecchhh. and i'm spotting. which i don't believe i have ever done. usually af comes on like a tidal wave. not today. and i'm a few days early? hm. we'll see what happens.
i'm being such a good girl not testing. =]

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