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christyttc
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the shading and color are only about halfway done. i'll have to sit for probably another three hours in a few weeks. eventually it's going to be mirrored above my waist. but not for a while. haha. i can't afford to drop 1000 dollars on tattoos all at once.

i'm feeling fine. pretty well distracted by my leg so i'm not noting many of my little symptoms. period is due in less than two days now. i get the feeling it will come right on time. and honestly, i'm ok with that this month. plus, if i'm not pregnant i have a whole month to tattoo in. if i get a positive pregnancy test soon i'll be too far along to be tattooed in three weeks. and i don't think i'd be comfortable doing it if i knew for sure i was pregnant.

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christyttc
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af was due yesterday. nothing yet. about to go to bed.
won't be able to test until at least tuesday because i don't have cash on me and lost my debit card!

discomfort in my lower abdomen. a little nauseous. diarrhea. gas. (i'm thinking i might be getting the flu or something)
i was up half the night feeling like crap and being emotional.
blechhh.

i'm getting impatient. when i decide i'm ready to test, i wanna test RIGHT THEN. i have to wait more than a day! haha.

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christyttc
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dreams are funny.
last night i talked to my husband about life. about our expectations of what we'd get out of our lives. he had no expectations. he didn't care. he was content with whatever. but he wishes he could take back everything from his past. the things that brought him to me. he doesn't believe in fate. in soul mates. but he's "happy" with where he ended up. but i got the impression that he'd rather have had a good life and ended up anywhere. that changing the past was more important to him than getting to where we are. to finding each other. that hurt. he's my world. my everything. i'm happy to have endured all the pain in my life that brought me to him. i wouldn't take any of it back just because i know the exact chain of events in my life lead me to where i am. with my soul mate. now i know what it feels like to have more passion and love for someone than they have for you. it's new to me. and it hurts. i know my husband loves me. but i could be anyone. there's a chance he'd be happier if i were someone else. like...the mother of his child. i've got to stop this thinking.

when i fell asleep i resolved my emotions in dream. i dreamed that i ran away with my husband. from everything. we moved to the grand canyon (which in my dream was of course located in yellowstone national park.) we left everyone and everything behind and started over. just the two of us. and we were happy. we were free. he loved me more than any of his possessions or any animal.

i've been feeling stuck. and empty. and unfulfilled. i think my dreams are trying to tell me that i need change. that something isn't in its correct place. maybe i'm not in my correct place.
i don't know.
i need to deal with my issues.
no child deserves a mother who can't keep it together.
no matter how much love and passion she has to offer.
i've got to find a way to be happy again.
i need to feel connected to something. and not so broken.

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Swappy kris
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christy I just wanted to tell you that boys dont know how to put their feelings in words or they dont know what to say at what time.
may be it just happened that you were feeling down and at that same moment you n DH had this talk which is making you think all this.
take some time to divert yourself and then may be u'll see things differently. Always know that we love u.

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christyttc
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my head hurts. my body hurts. i'm discouraged. i'm depressed.
i'm restless. i'm hateful. i'm bitter. i'm jealous.

i just want to be successful. at something. no, that's a lie.
i want to be successful at THIS. nothing else matters anymore.
i've lost passion for every other thing in my life.
i just want a baby.
i want to be a pregnant mother to be.
i want to be the mother of my husbands children.
i want to be worth the space i occupy.

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butterfly99
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Christy, I think we all struggle with this, trying to remember that our self-worth is not tied to our ability or inability to conceive. We feel like failures as women, and then it trickles into our marriages and into every aspect of life, causing us to question everything. You ARE worth the space you occupy.

What you wrote on 3/22 really resonated with me. I've felt that way too at times with my DH. But I really think men just don't analyze things like we do, your DH loves you, and he would probably NOT be as happy with someone else...there's a reason God put the 2 of you together. Jut keep communicating. Your dream was powerful, and I hope you do search your soul and try to find something that gives you purpose. I'm trying to find that for myself- purpose away from TTC. It is hard. And the deeper we get into the hurt that is TTC, the harder it is to feel sane. I have been pushed to the brink so many times, and feel so unstable. But you will get through it, and that's all a child really needs is a parent who can go back to the perspective, work through issues when she has them...and you have that ability and strength, even if you don't see it at times.
If you are so inclined, read the "drained, lost" thread...
I hope things get better for you... hugs, prayers, and blessings to you.

christyttc
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thanks butterfly99.
i've been trying to deal with my issues alone, and i realized that isn't what i should be doing.
i'm sharing things with DH and trying to get him to talk about his thoughts and feelings with me. we've been going through a rough patch and i'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

i guess we'll see what happens.

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mrshouse
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Hi Christy,

How are you girl? I hope things are alright with ya...

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christyttc
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i guess i haven't really been keeping up the personal blog...

i guess i'm CD 9? not keeping track. not testing for O. not forcing BD for purpose of babies
as for the rest of life. the baby part.... (which is, of course, all there is besides my husband and sex...) two of my friends at work are pregnant. one on the first try when she was inspired by me to have children... the other after several months of uneducated guessing. she started trying about four months after me and never researched ttc or learned about her body/cycles... but she has a positive pregnancy test now. and i have two dead babies, and no hope. awesome.

whatever... i'll get through it.

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mrshouse
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I have been waiting, hoping that I would be able to think of something...ANYTHING to say in support of you. I am at a loss. What you are talking about, I am experiencing myself. How is it that you can feel good about yourself when you see that your husband would rather take care of things himself? No wonder there is no desire or passion when its time for bed.

My husband and I went through some trust issues before we even got engaged. He was talking to another girl online that he'd played games with for years.. It wasn't just innocent talk. They had talked about meeting up before he got married so they could fool around. I was not having that. He told me that it was all talk... but why would you talk to someone else about that stuff if you are in a serious relationship with someone!? Now, I have issues. I go through his computer every once in a while.. and I always know I'm going to be hurt when I see things. I see porn websites about every other day... no wonder he doesn't want to fool around. I would be spent masturbating that much too. It's a bigger heart break every time I see it.

I hope you and your husband have started communicating about what's going on between you two. Something like that is bound to drive a wedge in your relationship if you don't. You're young, and smart and a vibrant girl... Don't let this break you down. You deserve the world.

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