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Swappy kris
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christy I cant describe how sad I am.. I want you to hold on ur hope.. We all are meant to be mother one day.. Take it this way.. now you are one more step closer to ur final goal.. What ever happens this month you promise that you wont loose hope and this time be ready with tools for helping u in 2ww phase.. cox I think that is wr things are not holding right.. talk to doc about progesterone tablets or injections n related stuff.. In today's age thr is solution to every problem..
You are a good human being.. and good things happens to good people.. we just have to wait for them to happen..

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waiting2bamommyagain
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Aweee christy I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I know it's hard to see it when you're hurting so badly but everything happens for a reason. All these hard times make you a stronger person. Keep your head up you will be a mommy!!!!

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christyttc
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today, i got my hope back. =]
i saw a doctor. his prognosis? once is chance, twice is terrible luck, and the third time, you'll have your baby. he doesn't think that there's anything wrong with me and i should just keep trying until the right mix of genetic material gets matched up. =]

this doctor is going to be great for my journey and for my future as a mother. he was so great. sat and talked to DH and i for a half hour and didn't charge us anything for the entire visit! i was so astonished. he's wonderful. i'm going to try again. i'm going to make this happen.

*sigh of relief*

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christyttc
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i wasn't sure when i would O again, so to be safe we bd'd today.
afterward, i kept my hips elevated with a pillow for an hour long nap. when i finally went to the bathroom i noticed EWCM with one streak of brownish blood. i've decided it was probably ovulation spotting.
if i had a normal cycle, i should have ovulated on the fifth.
OPK was negative tonight, so maybe it will be positive tomorrow and i'll O on the fourth? that's not too far off track..
hopefully this was a fertility sign and not an infection or something.
i'm keeping my hopes high and assuming it was a positive symptom. =]

"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them." - HDT

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christyttc
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ovulation day!!

i got a positive opk yesterday. today, i felt myself ovulate for the first time! it's awesome the things you can notice when you pay attention to your body.

i'd like to try and ignore the rest of the two weeks i'll be waiting, but i don't think that will happen. i want to just ignore dpo's and possible symptoms. i know i'm way too neurotic for that. hahhaha.

so we all know i'll be compulsively documenting everything i feel and it's corresponding day past ovulation.. hopefully this time it ends in a baby. =]

knowing my luck, i'll have a viable pregnancy this cycle because i just bought a new 50 bra a size down from the one i had... it seems like every time i have a miscarriage my boobs get smaller...

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christyttc
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3 dpo.
i'm feeling a little emotional.. it might just be the things happening in my life. i'm having trouble at work with one of my managers. they scheduled me eight hours next week. my dad totally withdrew his support for my journey and basically thinks the miscarriages were natures way of fixing my mistake. focusing on parenthood so much and my dad's slap in the face have me thinking about my childhood and it's bringing up a lot of painful memories.

my mother saw her father beat her mother day after day. i saw my dad beat her just the same. she took out all her pain on herself and me. she manipulated me as a small child into thinking that since she was hurting i should keep her secrets and help her with her secret operations. i know now that the secret operations she sent me on when i was six years old were drug runs. she sent me into dangerous places to meet up with her dealers so that she couldn't get busted. she took me to her NA meetings to make it look like she wasn't doing anything wrong. she left me alone in a building full of addicts and didn't do anything when she found her 3 year old daughter crying in the bushes with a convicted child rapist. she did nothing. she put me in these situations. a tiny, defenseless child. and she let people hurt me because she didn't want to be alone in her pain.

i want more than anything to be a parent. to prove to the world that all the things my mother put me through didn't break me. i can have meaningful relationships. i can be a mother. i can love.

i know that i don't have it all together.
i'm not totally over what i've suffered.
i still have pain.
and i know that giving birth to a child will not fix all of that.
but i want to give life. i want to give my child the chance i never had.
i think i will always feel this pain. but i can live through it.
i can't let it stop me or hold me back.
i can be everything she wasn't.

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Swappy kris
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My heart goes to you Christy.. You will be an excellent mother.. What all u missed growing up you will be giving it to ur kid and I think even more than that.. your kids will be loved Smile and so will u..
I seriously like your confidence and positive attitude in life.. You will get what you want in life.. God bless you and ur DH.. You will always be in my prayers..

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mrshouse
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I want to reach out and give you the biggest hug in the whole world. I am so sad for you. I am so sad that that happened to you. No child should ever feel that way. I think that you should distance yourself from a father who would treat you that way, and to tell you that your loss of children is from mistakes you made as a child?! What would make someone say that? I am so sorry. I wish you so much luck on this journey. Please have faith... Please!

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christyttc
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thanks guys. i mostly just needed to get that out. i haven't said those things to anyone all at once.. not to mention i've been feeling super sensitive and emotional. i just needed to cry a little.

6dpo- emotional (obviously), thirsty, firm breasts (not sore), headaches for a couple days now (probably stress and dehydration), and what i can only describe as a "burrowing" feeling in the front right of my uterus for the past day. aside from that, i've been feeling pretty normal. i think most things can be attributed to the stress i've been under. except the boobs and uterus things. those i'm holding onto for some hope. =]

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christyttc
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8dpo-
incredibly sensitive. emotional. weepy. no more weird scratching in my uterus. not much of anything besides the emotions, actually.
it would be just my luck that the month i don't feel anything and don't get that "intuition" would be the month i had a viable pregnancy. keeping my fingers crossed, but i'm not sure.

now, off to 9dpo and beyond...

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