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christyttc
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i'm starting to document a little late in the game this cycle, but i'll fill in what's happened thus far.

i'm 19, DH turns 27 on valentines day! we've been TTC for 8 cycles now with one m/c very early in pregnancy about three months ago.
losing what could have been my child was one of the hardest things i've ever done. i didn't want to feel like there was anything wrong with me and i knew the pregnancy was over so i kept the plans we had with some friends who found out they were pregnant when we did. i asked them to pick me up because i didn't want to drive and i left DH a message that i'd meet him at the theatre. i didn't tell him what had happened... i realized as soon as i got in their car that it was a mistake to go out and that i wasn't ready for it and most of all that i needed my husband. when he finally got there from work i met him outside the theatre crying and i told him "i lost it..the baby is dead. i'm so sorry" and he just stared at me for a minute like he didn't understand what i was saying.. he held me and told me everything would be ok and we'd just make another one. he told me it wasn't my fault and that he was the one who should be sorry to me, not me to him. we made it through the movie and home to mourn our loss. i'm still not sure what i was thinking going anywhere that night...

we didn't change what we were doing (i didn't use BC and we didn't use condoms, but we weren't "actively" trying)

this month was my first time using OPK's and i was kind of worried that i wouldn't O so soon after m/c but i was wrong. =] i got a positive OPK on February 2'nd and i believe i O'd on the third. LMP was jan 18.
we timed BD really well and got two good sessions in during the fertile window. i'm 6 DPO right now so i'll document all the things i noticed from Oto now.

1 dpo- nothing. obviously. haha.
2 dpo- gassy. yellow urine.
3 dpo- i dont now if it is PG or O related, but i had terrible gas that filled my stomach with painful pressure and made it difficult to nearly impossible for me to walk for the entire day. luckily i wasn't scheduled to work. i spent the day laying on the couch.
4 dpo- not much. some fatigue/ headache. (i almost always feel that way)
5 dpo- headache, body ache, fatigue, ten minutes of intense cramping after orgasm. i started feeling "pregnant." went to bed with heartburn.
6 dpo- woke up feeling nauseous. vivid dreams last night (so vivid that i had no idea where i was when i woke up.) lots of movement in my sleep which is unusual for me (woke up giving DH a good kick in the butt. haha.) light cramping on left side of lower abdomen (uterus?). fatigue, headache, silly speech blunders/forgetfulness. took nap with DH and had the strangest dreams (one of which i was PG in!).

some of my strange dreams the past couple days-
the night of 5 dpo i dreamed that i was going to elementary school with my best friend from third grade.
nap during 6 dpo i dreamed that i was living with my friend and going to visit her mom in indiana. i called my dad to tell him i would be gone for a long time and i could see what was happening on his end of the line while i talked to him (like a movie split screen? haha) and he was terribly devastated.
also dreamed during that nap that my friend and i were in line at taco bell talking to a man who was dressed like an executive of some company. one of the two men standing in front of us claimed that he'd attacked me once and the man who was with him told him to stop talking crazy or he'd send him back to the hospital? haha. he then turned to us and told us he had "mental custody" of the crazy man. (oh the strange things my mind cooks up..) the executive-looking man behind us told us that this particular taco bell was notorious for muggings between the hours of 2 and 4 pm. (very specific detail. not sure why it was important but i remembered it.) i then told the executive man that i had been attacked there two years prior. (maybe the crazy man was telling the truth.) then the alarm woke me up.

anyways. ever since i woke up this morning i felt that certain feeling you get when you're pregnant. and now i am anxious to take a test because i "just know" that it will be positive. also feeling a little worried that it will be positive and then go away. i really don't think i could handle losing another pregnancy this soon. but only time will tell!

comments are welcome. =]

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christyttc
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7 dpo- bleeding gums. just brushed my teeth and there was more than a little pink in the sink.

last night i had more weird vivid dreams. it's been that way everytime i go to sleep since 5 dpo. who knows? maybe this is our month. but maybe not.

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Swappy kris
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Of course yes Smile
bleeding gums what else does anyone want Tongue Do u have visible veins on ur bbs.. if yes.. then may be tomm u can test and see.. Or else if HCG is not high then 2 days later..
ahh u r exciting me with all ur symptoms FX for u Smile

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christyttc
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funny thing, kris. my skin is so pale that you can always see my veins. all over. hahaha.

today. 9 dpo. boobs are popping out of my bra. awesome.

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waiting2bamommyagain
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wooohoooo all these signs are good!!! Party

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christyttc
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10 dpo.
one boob is bigger than the other... hahahahha.

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MrsBerrocal
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I can't wait to hear if you get a positive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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christyttc
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samesies. =] i'll definitely tell you guys!

in the mean time,
i was super tired all day today. had to sit down a while at work. also had to constantly have a mint in my mouth to help with the nausea. never felt like throwing up, but my stomach was unsettled all day long.

testing in the morning. hubby's birthday. =]
he's convinced i'm pregnant. last night we were play fighting and he said "don't make me slap a pregnant woman!" hahaha. it sounds like domestic violence to normal people, but that's just the way we play. =]

...he called me a pregnant woman. =D

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christyttc
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11 dpo. i tested this morning.
1 25 sensitivity strip from earlypregnancytests.com and one first response.
neither looked positive right away but i have heard that some women couldn't see the line when they test 11 dpo until the test dries. i waited fifteen minutes and the strip has a line. but there's a chance it's an evap since i let it dry...
i'm so confused....

now i wish i'd kept my FMU cup for a while so i could use another strip to check for evaps... ugh ugh ugh.

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christyttc
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11 dpo at nine pm- another faint positive. lighter than the first (assuming that's because it wasn't FMU).
13 dpo FMU- this test freaked out. it was a similar faint positive, then it had a surge of pink in the test line. we celebrated and it went away within a minute. it dried with a slightly darker positive than the 11 dpo FMU one.
these are my little wimpy, hardly visible, emotional rollercoaster, BFP's.
there's been some worry of a chemical pregnancy. but i'm keeping my hopes up with the support of my wonderful, loving husband. i don't know where i'd be without him (certainly not ttc...)
so for now. i'm pregnant. and i couldn't be happier about that. i can't wait for a dark line to put my mind at ease. i don't want to disappoint the love of my life again.

tomorrow, my period is due. i'm trying to will it away. don't come, don't come, don't come! i need this to stick. i need this baby.

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christyttc
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the next pregnancy test i take will be negative...

i left work early with severe pain. drove to my in-law's house and went to sleep in my little sister's bed. i woke up 45 minutes later thinking "i don't feel bleeding right now. please don't bleed. please don't bleed."
when i got the nerve to go to the bathroom, my worst fear came true. there was blood. i didn't lose hope, though. i called my dr immediately and she told me that this early the only possibilities could be chemical pregnancy or spotting. there is no treatment, no medication, no surgery to stop me from losing the baby, so i should lie down and keep my fingers crossed that the bleeding stops. if it is just light and goes away after a couple hours or days, i should come in for a blood test to make sure the baby is ok. if it gets heavy like a period and doesn't stop, i should test again at home and mourn my loss.

the bleeding hasn't stopped. it's gotten heavier. and heavier. and now there is tissue being dispelled along with the blood. my baby's home for the next nine months is leaving my body. my child is dead. another one. i'm an extinguisher of life.

my heart is broken. i feel hopeless. i'm afraid to try again.

my husband is my only sanctuary. he has been comforting me and telling me we'll try again and next time he'll make a more stubborn "sea monkey." he gives me hope. but he's not home now. and he took the sunshine with him.

what have i done to deserve a body that won't support my purpose? why do i deserve to be unable to sustain life. what use am i as a woman if i can't do the one thing that makes me precious? my husband may as well have married a man.

my mother gave me this curse. it's like no matter how far i run from her, she can always hurt me.

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